Everybody has a Story

A really long time ago

2008-11-30T00:01:00.002-05:00

moments to treasure

2007-06-18T23:18:00.000-04:00

Current mood: fluff

Life happens..
Ever feel like sometimes things are moving at an uncontrolable speed and that you just want to take a step back and relax and see yourself where you are and ponder what is next and where life takes you? Then almost when you've finally got into that groove, you suddenly want time to fly again and for things to move forward as quickly as they were before you slammed the brakes. I guess thats all I can do to describe how i'm feeling right about now.
I met a guy a couple weeks back and I feel like I'm in this whirlwind of emotion. Is this the guy for me? I keep thinking about what I have been looking for and who this person is and how that fits into the bigger picture of my life. The thought of making a decision too quickly freaks the hell out of me, and yet, i'm already planning weeks down the road and thinking about the next time we'll get together. Why are these feelings so strange? Why can't it just feel natural (sometimes it does, but most of the time it doesn't). I'm not a very good 'take it as it comes' type of person, for I think and analyze way too much. I need to ask my heart for guidance, but it refuses to speak to the unsettled mind. I keep thinking about what comes next and am I ready for it and will I be able to hold it together. wish me luck. things are good I just need to figure out if they can be great :)

for review

2007-06-06T22:49:00.000-04:00

Book Reviews:
I picked up a book on Monday from the local library. I dunno exactly what I searched and how I got to this particular book, something like "east indians america" or whatever it was. Anyways, I will definitely put up the book particulars on another occasion, right now I'm not sure anyone of you would like to read it. The book definitely hits home, but at the same time causes me much grief... it sadens me, makes me think of my life in a way that I thought that sometimes I only did but that would not relate to anyone else. I suppose I should know better - that ofcourse their will be parallels in others lifes, that is what my blog is all about... but this book - it hit home so fast. I'm addicted to it, yet it makes me depressed. I have to reach the end and find out what happens, lets pray the ending is good.

Job Stuff:
So interviews should be happenning this week. Do I want the job?? Still don't know!! I just hope I can do a good job, gotta go shopping for something to wear!!

analysis

2007-05-23T21:52:00.000-04:00

been a couple days since I last wrote.
i've been thinking over the weekend about what it is I want and why it is that I can't seem to 'let myself' get there.
the thing is that i've only been in one real relationship my whole life. from what I can remember, it was bliss until it ended.
the way we met, the way i fell in love, the way our relationship developed, it all happenned in a blur... a very fast blur.
but that's my reference: that is how a relationship should be - i should feel attracted to him almost immediately - i should want to spend every living minute with him - i should ignore all the flaws that i see and just be happy that i found him.
is that how every relationship starts? is that something that I can count on happenning again? will the emotions be that powerful? that immediate?
sure, I have references from other people, friends, tv, movies, songs, books - they all try and convince me that different relationships develop in different ways. it's not always the same.
and yet - in my realm of experiences, it's only happenned this one way and it was great and i can't seem to let that go
i know it sounds funny - but what i'm trying to say is that i haven't really given any other relationship formulas a chance.
it's complicated to explain but sometimes i think I'm looking for that rather then looking for something that has promise or potential. or maybe i just need to become friends with the guys that i meet rather then trying to size them up in two dates?
i mean - if anything sours the mood of developing a comraderie, it's definitely the fact that you are trying to find out so much about a person in so little time.
factors that may not matter to you in love, take on such importance that they are almost impossible to overlook on a first or recond date
the relationship could be killed well before it had a chance to blossom
so how long is it suppose to take? do i pursue things the 'casual' way? sometimes i define the casual way as a western approach to 'finding a guy' whereas the eastern approach to be more 'direct' and 'short and definitive' you find out if you can a) communicate b) value things in the same way and then that should be enough
the problem is I find both ways important. in the western one, attraction is a big factor, in the eastern one, similar values and compatibility take precedence
which is right? and why can't i have both?

Nostalgia

2007-05-14T21:33:00.000-04:00

I turned on my 'old' computer today. You know the one that sitting there gathering dust while I sit with her with my laptop on my lap. I honestly don't knoww why they get so warm. So anyways, you may be wondering why I turned it on. I'm not exactly sure. Is it to go back to old emails and chats I have saved on there? Is it to just listen to music that feels good in my soul? I'm one of the few people you'll ever know that has never owned a CD (atleast one that I've paid for with my own money). I have to admit I have a total of 2 cd's that my cousin gave me b/c he joined one of those 20 cds for a penny schemes and ordered things he was later embarrassed to have (being a guy and all). He probably doesn't even remeber giving it to me. As a child, growing up in the 80s and 90s, I used to tape all the songs I liked on cassette. Again, I never bought anything, my brother and sister bought me a couple of Madonna singles - never the full tape (wonder why?) and I had my sisters copy of "the Police" which I whole-heartedly loved, while everyone else my age was crazy about Backstreet boys. Can you even believe that back then, I learned the songs listening to friends in school and at the mosque signing then and crushing on Johnny? or was it Joey? I'll never know. I never actually heard them on radio myself. How unbelieveable. I think I started listening to the 'radio' when I started driving at 16. I suppose that's why I don't have a defined musical taste. I think 80% of my taste has to do with what made the top charts of any of the stations I listened to and now most of what I love has nostalgic meaning for me. So is that why I turned my computer on today?

On friday night I got together with a friend of mine and after discussing all sorts of topics, we naturally went back to something relevant to this blog in particular. Why are we still single? She recently broke up with the guy she's been dating for a good while. I still can't believe she did it. I don't think I would have the guts - not at this stage in my life to loose someone I love dearly and who I know loves me. She did it for religion and culture and overall because she couldn't trust him - which are all valid reasons in and of themselves, and when put together explains a lot. Anyways, we were reminiscing on 'potential could have beens' and interestingly enough I saw one of those the very next day.

It was weird seeing him again. I've talked about him before, he's the one that married someone I know. Anyways, he looked so different. I mean, it was the same him - who called my name in the crowd and I could feel myself blush and turn three shades deep red. The whole episode was weird. Talking to him with a friend of mine who probably also had feelings for him - we both met him the same weekend. Anyways. I don't know why I'm sharing all this - there is no point. It just made me jealous of her - the girl who actually got him - how happy she looked and how happy they looked together.

Why can't I have that? What is wrong with me? Why is it that no one is interested in me enough to get that far? I realize that I reject people quickly - but there has been a handful who I would have given a chance had they given the same to me. Am I doing something wrong? Am I saying "take care" to them?? (Apparently that has very negative conatations - learned from another random blog I was reading on the weekend). Am I giving off that "desperate" vibe?? I hope not. Deep down, I just want to share that experience of love. I dont' think I'm asking that much.

What do you think?

(in the background my MP3s are playing "A thousasnd miles" by Vanessa Carlton)
(up next is "What's Love ... got to do with it" by Ashanti) ...hmm that might explain a lot

Question for my audience

2007-05-13T13:54:00.000-04:00

First off:
For a long time now I've been resisting the invitations I keep getting for joining friendster, HI5, Where are you now? and ofcourse, now more then ever.. Facebook. One of my friends put another perspective on the argument.. what if thats the way you're going to meet someone? Just link yourself to your community groups and there you go - an automatic forum for people to find you. I wonder if it works. See I'm not the socialite type. I will not go out of my way to make new friends or to let old friends find new friends and mix groups of people I know very seperately. It's just not me. I don't even know who I'd add to my list.. cuz I'm not the type to link my acquantances to me. I just find the idea to be something for those popular types. You know the same people who are giggly and bubbly and seem to have everything in common with everyone else? In a lot of ways you could say that I've very private. Hell knows I try not to put any details here on this page that will help someone identify who I really am. At the same time, I have confided to you.. the world wide web, my fears, my frustrations, my inner conflicts and the nuances of such. So if I joined, what would be there? A picture? You mean anyone and anyone could google me and I'd be there to look at and to analyze? I just am not quite comfortable for this leap just yet. Tell me - am I wrong? Should I do it??

unrelated work stuff

2007-05-02T22:55:00.000-04:00

Current mood: discomfort

Allow me to rant about work today - just briefly and I promise you it will all come back to my purpose for this blog, just wait you'll see - I do have a one track mind!!

So there's been this *job* up in the air at the company I work at. It's something that I could totally do - but I wasn't sure at first if I was really interested. That was when they wanted me to take the job. A lot has changed since then.. it's been a couple months since then. Now they actually have a *the job* defined and it doesn't sound too bad. Except.. they've already advertised it on Workopolis. Somehow, I'm not the *winning* candidate that I may have been in the first place. Why? Probably because I asked for clarification - because I asked them to think about what they really want and what the function of the job should be. So I lost my *golden* opportunity? Perhaps! My manager still tells me I can apply. How generic does that sound? It actually sounds like I don't have a chance in hell.

The weird thing is that I've been through this before. And I should realize by now that if they aren't completely honest about things - then I really have no chance. Anyways.. the weird part is when I could have had it given to me, I didn't want it and now that it's taken away and it's a challenge to get (Competing with the unknown candidates) I want it.

So you're asking what I'm getting at. I thought this today as I realized that I *MOST* Likely won't get the position - and that maybe - it will give me the push to actually go through a "Search" process. And I'm not talking about work search. I'm talking about the fact that should I finish working around November or preferably later, then I can plan for going on some religious trips and "meet" someone. Hmm.. thats a thought. I mean the plan has always been that I'll have to move when I meet some guy who's right for me. So my thoughts on that always make me think "what they hell is the point of a full-time job then?" I mean, how does one develop their career and their contacts if they just have to pick up and move one day?

Then I always think, I can't let my career suffer for this. I mean, who knows when Mr. Right may come by? And what if he never does? Or what if he does but he is willing to move to where I am?? I would honestly LOVE that. I want to stay where I am. I love it here in Canada. I love it where I am sitting right here right now, and I don't really want to move. In fact, depending on how big the move would be, it may discourage me altogether.

Well, thats my rant. Wish me luck. I will need it. I guess I should start working on my resume, right?

unsuccesful attempt

2007-04-30T22:47:00.000-04:00

So I went to the meat market and I didn't meet a single guy that I didn't already know from beforehand. There were plenty of new ones - don't get me wrong, but I just didn't meet em or talk to em or interact with them. I just kinda hung out with the girls I knew, talked to a few of the boys I knew and then skiddadled back home. What a night to remember - IE forget. But the postive things that happenned was that I showed a bunch of "aunties" that "hey, I'm here, set me up" and maybe / hopefully they just might! Ofcourse an aunty was very kind enough to point out to me that there was only one boy that was old enough for me.. as if age was so important and no guy younger then me would even consider me - ok that is probably true when I'm in a room filled with 19-21year old girls and the average age of the guys are 21.

ohh well, doesn't hurt trying...

Starting from Scrath

2007-04-26T21:34:00.000-04:00

Current Mood: ready for new possibilities

I have gone through a period of detox lately. This means that all those men that kept on coming around (I let em go back into the water soon enough after they jumped out) are gone. No more fish in the sea. But

The water is still as can be and a feeling of calmness resonates from my body. I've gone through a period of detox. There were many fish in the sea for a while and for some reason they wouldn't stop biting. I let em go back in the water almost as soon as I could evaluate there worthiness. Don't get me wrong.. I am not saying "they're not worthy" - but ok, I am.. but not the way it sounds. It's not that I have something against these men.. they just weren't for me. I don't think it's a bad thing to be able to judge that with just a few interactions. It can be done and sure I could have missed the mark too but I'm willing to believe that for these ones in particular, I haven't missed anything. So that brings me to where I am now.

Starting from Scratch.

Atleast a month, if not more since the last boy called and left me a voicemail. I never returned it b/c it came a whole month after we talked last - why qualify that? I don't need it and wasn't particularly interested in it anyways.

So on Saturday I attend a meet market. I just realized that it's been over a year and a half since the last one of those that I've attended. This one is local and in all likelihood it will be crap. But I'm going to look at it like this: No pain no gain. Maybe just maybe their will be someone there for me. Gotta hope.. I'm not getting any younger

Well. thats it for me today.

eclipse of the heart

2007-03-03T17:54:00.000-05:00

shatterred once again by the same plague. why do i let it affect me? Such a silly reason. he mentioned this person he knows, a member of my extended family in his last email. Now my mom mentions to me, that very same person is in Town. Lives miles and miles away - multiple flights but is here - and my parents will probably meet him on Wednesday before he flies back on Thursday. I am intrigued to meet him too! Would I get a chance to say "hey do you know such and such?" and "is he a good person?" would i be able to do that? Would I be able to do that - while not causing a stir of attention amongst anybody else? what would he think of the questions? would he know that this boy was a potential for me? would he already have that information known to him?? There is no way to ask, there is no reason to spread knowledge about such a thing. I mean it's over right. the fat ladies already sung a couple of times. I don't need it beat into my head. A little part of me wishes, that this person, could spread the news to this boy.. wow what a wonderful girl she is. you should really go for her.. then it would be worth it.. but alas, he doesn't even know me. and how would that information be receieved? obviously family members would say positive things about their own.. so it wouldn't be taken with a grain of salt whatsoover. So is the reason I want to meet him to do with him? or is it merely to send an email - guess what - I just met this uncle this week, he was here - he came to Canada! What else would I say? would there be anything valid? Can't I just keep my mouth shut (and my fingers still - no typing is necessary here). maybe. maybe not. first I need to see how I can impress upon going to this occassion where I've obviously been excluded (cousins are going supposedly, but have I been invited? by my parents, by the hosts? naada.). Oh well. only time will tell. only time will make my obsession go (i hope it will).

needs

2007-02-26T21:04:00.000-05:00

Mood: restless
Latest happy moment: Seein a link to my blog on Isheeta's! :)
Realization: my writing is always better when I'm in moods of true angst
Insight: this post should be good - I can feel the angst gutted in me

So you're curious? Why is she so restless... come on boys & girls.. isn't it obvious. I need a man. Yes. I've decided that I've waited long enough - he better show up soon because otherwise I may have to resort to other measures.. is there such a thing as a muslim nunery? I made a pack with a friend to 'run to a nunery' as soon as we got sick of the search.. well what happenned? She got married almost a year ago. Yep that was the last time I was a bridesmaid... get this that was the third time - remember the saying: always a bridesmaid never a bride - it fit me completely! But.. get this, another friend mentioned to me that I'll be a bridesmaid at her upcoming wedding, ohh god another one.. And then another friend is getting married this fall and it's highly possible I'll be in the bridal party then too.. geez louis. I'm getting sick of this... and why don't any of my wonderful friends have cute guys attending their wedding? Why oh why???

Well anyways.. rant I shall not about weddings. My rant today is supposed to be about culture and guys today. I'm a muslim gal in Canada. I'm just looking for someone who can attest to the same values I do - AND have a personality AND be okay looking. I'm not even asking for a cutey - although that would help matters along quite a bit. I'm just saying, be kewl.. not highschool cool, just geeky kewl. Chillaxed but religious, with values and a sense of confidence. Why is it so *freaking* hard to find that?? HUH?? Give me a good reason..

Ok.. I have limitations beyond that - but even if I didn't - where would I find these other random men? My friends keep saying "just open yourself up to any muslim". My response "and exactly how will that help?". See the point is this: I only got a couple of friends that are muslim that don't go to my mosque.. and they're just as disatisfied with their selection of guys as I am - so what use will it be? Sure - I could use a little more Shaadi.com and hook-up with some local guys that way.. but heck.. that is not the goal here - I'm trying to find someone I can develop a sustainable relationship with. You know the type that won't ditch you after 3 emails (if it gets that far!!)

well.. I'm sorry. this post was supposed to be good but I'm sleepy now and writing has just made me cranky. Sorry. Wait.. Why AM I apologizing? This is the way I FEEL!

goodnite folks

when love's not in the air

2007-02-14T18:34:00.000-05:00

V-day. Or D-day or something like that. I vowed that I would not become all sappy and depressed today. This day this year, and future years to come. It's a stupid holiday anyways. Right?

I guess the problem is that I am struggling to find my 'ideal' relationship of sorts. I keep entering these 'meetings' these set-ups, whether of my own doing (internet dating) or set-ups (aunti-ji's & the marriage committee - yup those exist). And yet I'm never content with them... always finding something or another that's wrong with them and then I discount them and feel rotten afterwards. I knew the local boy was no good for me, but I feel rotten for ditching him today. I mean, I could have been one of those people out tonight - celebrating the event rather then bitching about it. But really - I knew it wasn't going to happen, so why do that?

Maybe I should ignore relationships for a while? Get some detox? Thats the thing, no one lets me do that. It seems, I keep turning new leafs as there is a constant stream of people. I don't know how thats possible, but it is. Sometimes they disappear though (a friend setting me up with her relative, and then it doesn't happen). Those upset me, I'd rather not know about it if its' going to end before it started.

I guess I'll just have to keep posted. Maybe love will knock me down by next year? Maybe. . but i highly doubt it.

Anyways, for those of you singles out there, happy non-v-day! Lets celebrate, lets share our love to each other.. and all that sap!

another end

2007-02-07T23:42:00.000-05:00

And when he said "I think I turned into an alcoholic that summer" I knew it was over. No doubts left, no need to continue evaluating the pros & cons of prolonging this relationship beyond it's normal end point. No point testing out the whole "having a relationship" thing vs. the figure it out "in one shot deal" thats the usual for me.

The Past

2007-01-28T23:10:00.000-05:00

I tell my sister, forget about what happenned yesterday or last week, or years ago.. focus on the present, the future. Look at what you can do to change the circumstances that you're in now and move forward with your life. Is that good advice? I wonder..
I wish that sometimes - especially when it comes to relationships, I'd heed that very advice. I'm terrible when it comes to love. I remember the good and the bad and all the inbetween of every relationship (even if it's the exchange of one email). I hold with me the occurences of real potential, I reflect on them, I tell myself that I don't reject "everyone" that I have found people with potential.. but then a friend pointed out to me something very intriguing and essentially true "where are these guys". What can I say? I've never suceeded in having those I was truly interested in - wanting the same thing with me. Admittedly two had potential - I could see their interest in me too - but somehow they both decided against it. Did I drive them away? Were they really interested in me? Was I reading the signals right? What did I do wrong?
My heart holds on to them - reminding me that it is possible to find a man that has a good balance fo the qualities I'm looking for: Normal (good / comfortable to talk to - chemistry, somewhat religious - attends mosque, educated, sense of humour, no nasty habits (ie drinking, smoking, drugs), good looking, outgoing / confident). Is this so much to ask for? I know the looks thing is vain, but lets be honest.. if I can't imagine being in your arms.. then it's just not going to work out. If I can't look at your face - then theres a problem.. no matter how good a person you are...
So girls out there, are you having the same problem as me? I have met a couple who meet most of the criteria.. but I just haven't given them a real chance.. at least that's what I justify myself with.. At this point, I'm tired of meeting guys and I just want to meet the guy. Why won't he find me? I'm here, waiting for him..

I wish you girls who are with me the same. I hope that today and tomorrow, I can look for him without having to remember the past ones, wishing that he (one of the two is married already, that I know of) will come back and renew things with me. I know he's no good anyways. I should just let go..but I can't.. but my dear readers already know that...

all for now..

Do we call her Paki now?

2007-01-05T00:20:00.000-05:00

She's gone and done it now. Theres no turning back. I can't beleive it's over. We celebrated with her with reservation. What a change. What a difference. How her life is going to be different. Should we have been happy for her? I tried , I really did. Actually at times I must have been. But today I weep for her (she has no idea). I miss her and hope her life will be happy but I am unsure. Is it enough? Will her life be good without the normalness of living in North America? Canada?? My favorite country in the world!!
Why are you wondering what I'm talking about? It's my sister, dear sister.. she's gone off and married a Pakistani! Not any old pakistani - one that actually resides in Pakistan and has no desire to actually leave the country!!
I have to admit though, the country is not as bad as I thought it would be. Sure there are cultural differences, like women can't just walk around late at night for any old reason. But then again, do you feel safe walking the streets of Toronto in the middle of the night? And if so, why the hell are you walking the streets of Toronto in the middle of the night - and by yourself? That's just crazy. Especially if you're married and don't have to do stuff like that.. unless it's to get away from your crazy husband.. hehehe.. well, I gotta have a sense of humour about it don't I?
Anyways, here are my wishes for my sister:
1) she's happy
2) her husband dotes her and has the patience to accept her the way she is
3) her sis' in laws don't drive her insane
4) she doesn't have kids *right away* (though i'm sure she would be thrilled to, quite literally)
5) she learns the language quick
6) she becomes independent, drives and learns to manage the difference in cultural
7) she has kids at the appropriate time in her marriage, after she's really gotten to know her hubby
8) her family gets to see her as often as they want, she comes to Canada all the time
9) if she wants to, she gets a job in her field
10) she doesn't miss home too too much

well thats it for me and this post. hopefully she'll grow up and mature in the next couple of weeks cuz I think this year is going to be a toughy!!

bye for now,
cbmg!

2006-09-17T21:01:00.000-04:00

Mood: Contemplation

I went on a blind-date today. It was kinda exciting, especially since it's been months since my last one. I guess I just wasn't really expecting what or rather who I met. Not that there was anything wrong with him. That wasn't it, it was just well - as much as he was a part and parcel of my culture and religion - he wasn't. At least not exactly. Not the type of person you'd expect garbed in our religious clothes . The date went ok, I even learned that maybe I was judging too much based on some of the things he said. Maybe deep down he is the religious type. Or maybe a question I have to ask my self is - do I want the religious type? The conversation flowed alright. There were a few awkward moments where we didn't know what to say to each other. There was obviously some nervousness but at the same time I think we both managed to make each other laugh. So I don't know. I think I will leave this to whatever may come of it.

He has my msn name and I well, know of his. If he adds me, then I'll talk to him and see where it goes. If it goes somewhere, then I can find out more details, maybe questions I ask that are too personal or too judgemental at the get-go.

Well, thats it from me. It's nice to meet someone who actually lives in this City!!

It's only 9pm but I'm dead tired. (soo soo very sad).
Goodnight folks.

cbmg signing off.

Energy

2006-09-10T00:09:00.000-04:00

Mood: Need to find some energy, need to energize myself and everyone around me.

The search is on for something that has been eluded millions of people before: HAPPINESS. Why do some people lead seemingly fulfilled lives while others can not seem to find happiness in anything: not what they do, not what they have, not what they wish to purchase, not what they see or aspire to do, not what they taste, not what they know, happiness is a word and just simply that as they are unable to achieve it. Could it be that the value placed on this word has made it unachievable? Could it be that we don't know what we are really searching for? Could it be that we are so spoiled with material gains and life is so simple for us (despite it's complications of long commutes and small cubicles and working hours that seem to never end?) that we do not have the energy or enthusiasm to appreciate any of it?

I call all and any who have found the keys, the secrets to please share em with me as I continue my search. I hope I can share this knowledge with all who need it!

Next point for today, energy. We are so young, yet so many of us are struggling so hard to have anytime for leisure, we do not enjoy our time with free moments. We don't see our friends often enough, and we sleep any moment we can. If we're not sleeping, we are wishing we were. It's so incredibly sad to see my twenty-something friends (including myself) be so tired that they would have to be home by 10 on a weekend. My 50-something aunts and uncles have more of a social life then we do. They go out and enjoy always laughing with each other and often staying out till wee hours of the night (yes 3-4am) . So why are we so young and yet so old? Why do we lack any energy or drive and why do we not seem to enjoy ourselves as much? The weekends go and then Mondays feel like a new week has started without any breaks. We meed to cultivate and motivate oursleves to spend more time really doing what young people do. I mean, just because I don't belong in the bar-hopping, clubbing all the rage weekend and weekday crowd doesn't mean that I don't want to have an awesome weekend doing something fun. Anyways, I don't know what or how to motivate and cultivate, but I hope I can and soon before it's too late!

Goodnight folks, yes it's a 12:30am on a saturday night and i'm home in front of a computer. So sad. hopefully next weekend, i'll be out on the town rather then sharing my old age with all of you!

Standing Up

2006-07-07T23:57:00.000-04:00

This story isn't really mine. But it's close to my heart and it's true so I'll share it anyways.

My mood right now: frustrated, peeved and ready to throw a punch (ok maybe just a verbal one, but still)

In this story girl meets boy and things are going great.. well things are going. Anywhos, the point is that they agreed to get married. She'll be moving (to a third world country from Canada) and he'll get to stay put and keep running his business and go on with his life in the same manner as before the union. She'll be loosing family, friends and countless career opportunities. But theres benefit of having a husband, someone to share life with and love and have children with.. all goals that I'd like to achieve (though I hope to not have to sacrifice my country of residence and my family and friendships).

Anywhos, they're currently (ok over the last month) trying to negotiate their wedding dates. His family is impossible to deal with. They seem to want to (and suceed very well at) calling all the shots. They leave no room for discussion , ignoring what her side says unless and only if it's in their favour to remember bits and pieces.

I worry for her because I think they're going to walk all over her. She's not the type to fight back and I keep saying "Stand up for yourself girl". I'm worried that if she gives in at this point, well forget the rest of her married life, it's always going to be the same. I guess I think it's important to set boundaries. To let the other person know they can't walk over you. Its' strange, like a person can tell a pushover and will always take advantage of that but will not dare with someone who will fight back. Why can't people just be good and honest enough not to do that in the first place?

Anywhos, my point girls is, stand up for yourself. No matter who the guy is and what he's like - I think theres a risk that you'll be pushed into something or some decision and I think thats not right. Even the nicest of guys can pull this scheme on you when you least expect it.

Well all for me, too tired to finish this.

cbmg

Heart and Head so different

2006-06-18T13:07:00.000-04:00

Mood: Daydreamingly unproductive.

You know when your heart is stuck miles behind your current stage in life and the more you ask it to catch up with the rest of you - the more it refuses. Thats exactly how I feel at this moment in particular.

Part of me did something to spark something again to challenge a reply, to challenge a thought - and it worked so eloquently well that it disappoints me further. It's like I put myself out there asking to be hurt. Asking for awknowledgement when in reality my brain knows it's unnecessary. So why do I do it?

A question to all you readers (and I'm guessing I have none, I'm going to have to figure out how to get my blog noticed actually. I think it'd be much interesting to have some anonymous readers, still not ready for people who actually know me to be reading all these deeply personal thoughts). Ok, back to the question: Are men really that superficial? Is looks and weight and body type at the forefront of their "mind" when it comes to who they find attractive? Should I hold it against them when that criteria plays so largely into their scheme of things that I am rejected on such a point? And should I be happy I'm rid of that situation or will it occur with every man out there? Will I constantly have to think about my figure and will I be less loved if it doesn't fit some unknown ideal?

I know women have the same reluctance to accept a man whos' shorter then they like, or one with a belly or baldness or whatever it might be. But I believe at some level women get over these things and realize it's the person with all there qualities that makes the man, not just physical appearance. I know I have my own reservations, even with this particular boy in question - but something tells me that the comfort level is far more important then the physical aspect. It has to meet a level of acceptability but does not need to reach the ideals by any comparison. I dunno. Maybe I'm just as superficial and haven't been faced with having to make that call.

All I know is - there was something I genuinely felt right about this situation, one that was taken away so swiftly that I haven't stopped looking back to see if theres any hope of return.

If only my heart could let it go - and let my mind take over and lead me to new fresh ideas. I still think I need to meet this person, somewhere, somehow to get it out of my system. I'd like it to crash and burn and to rid me of this constant upheaval. What if's plague me, sending constant messages from heart to head.

I feel like I can't genuinely give thought to new potentials, my comparative brain reaching back to a combination of three. Only one was real. I miss that one the most but the other two had elements of what I really am looking for. I have to start fresh, I have to somehow cleanse my heart of these obstacles that plague me during the long summer days and the cold winter nights.

Well, I don't want to leave this post on a down note, I guess I can say, I'm trying some new things and we'll see how that goes.

take care, hope to hear some comments soon!

Chance

2006-05-14T00:52:00.000-04:00

Mood: Peeved

Today I was walking through my local mall - by local I mean the very same mall that I often visited when I should have been in school, the one where we went to on weekends to 'hang' , the same one we bought all our clothes and birthday presents from. To be honest, I still live right next to it, so it's not uncommon for me to find myself trasping through it - usually looking pretty bummy, not caring how I look. I know thats a bad attitude, especially somewhere I'm bound to run into people I know. The interesting thing is - I usually only run into people from Mosque - it's never people I went to high school with. That just happenned to be the case today. The very same day that I didn't look once in the mirror before stepping outside. I put on some shoes and headed out the door. What a look I had going too - blue jeans that were in desperate need of a wash, a red fitted top that didn't quite reach my pants and a bright green and yellow polka dotted purse. What a great look to happen upon two guys from highschool. Well, the one in particular a person whom I'm not sure if I did or did not have a crush on! I would have much preferred to look my finest or just even average - but he caught a hold of me when I looked like shit - entering a toy store! Great. But I guess thats what chance is all about. Next time, I think I'll dress up - even or especially when going shopping at the local mall!

Goodnight folks.

Starting over..

2006-04-23T22:42:00.000-04:00

Current Mood: Contemplating Open Heart Wounds

If you recall from previous posts, this past year (rolling year I suppose, one that started in March and ended in February) has had two - I wouldn't say life altering - but life tasting moments.

The first of which happenned in late March when I met someone through the youth gatherings I've attended in the states. Lets just say he's engaged now. Lets add that it's someone I know and that they're probably going to live in Canada now. Just great. Their wedding is approaching too. He was the type of person who after spending some time with (definitely not an immediate reaction) I realized that I liked - that I could be comfortable with and felt natural - like myself around him - well part of the time anyways. There was something in the air that night - whether it was chemistry or lack of sleep I guess I'll never know.

Second one was someone whom I've never met. Why was it so life tasting? I dunno. I've having trouble explaining that to anyone privy of the situation. I actually shared this experience with some people. I dunno. I felt really good about it but I also felt really crummy about it in many ways. He was someone with I could just express a lot of thoughts. It's usually not that easy for me - to write full page emails to one person day after day and not run out of things to say. The same goes for the two conversations we had. Incredible. I had fun. I wasn't bored - sure there were brief moments but they just came back. I laughed. I enjoyed it. We shared common interests: swimming was a big one - someone who enjoys it like I do - maybe even more so! Sense of humour, taste in movies. I remember one part of a conversation we had, about language when I was still refusing to say anything in Gujrati. I was concerned that it would be a problem and I was saying how I want to learn so 'blah blah' and he interrupts me and with a confident tone says "It's not a problem" (or was it "It won't be a problem") anyways, it was like he was so sure of himself and of how he wouldn't let that effect his parents view of me. I dunno. I just felt really good. Like I was in strong arms. I really liked that feeling. God..I really felt good. Special. Loved even. Well. The long story short, he's out of the picture. I'm not entirely sure why. I'm not sure if I'll ever hear what became of him, or whether he'll decide to come here and marry another person I know! He walked away for reasons I will never understand. All I know is that it may have had to do with a photo I sent of myself in non-flattering clothing and the fact that we were the same age (which only became an issue late in the game). Something about not wanting children till 33 or at all. I know I am better off without. I know that somewhere deep in my soul. But it trickles out every so often. My feelings. I know I need to avoid the rollercoasters, they can't be good for you long term. And that was full of them. I think I will always wonder about this situation, healthy or not because it is so intriguing. My feelings went so far - yet I had never met the person. Never been there or done that before. There were other things too that I liked: the accent (huge plus), religious values were on par, family seemed pretty in, no drinking, no smoking, no drugs, seemed to have high ambitions in life. All great things.

I dunno. I have met people with similar attributes and thought nothing of them. There was a comfort level here, with both these individuals that was different. Set them apart. Something Unique. I can't put my finger on. Thats what I'm going for here. I need to find that. When and where I don't know if I ever will -- to match those features and still pass the stronger tests that I have for them. I hope so anyways.

Well the main thing I hope for this year is that I can start over. Start fresh. Not let any of my setbacks from the past haunt me. I hope I can. I hope I can let my heart feel without blocking it off once more. I know now more then ever (after opening it up twice in one short year) that it's hard to let em in and even harder to let em go.

Long enough for a serious post. Hope you'll have some comments. Starting to think no one reads this blog.

Bias?

2006-04-21T20:07:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure how long my pause actually lasted or if it began at all. Ohh the long weekend was so nice! And this weekend isn't too packed so it'll be good as well.

You're probably wondering why I haven't spend so much time lamenting the details of my search. I guess - sometimes I think I shouldnt' think so much about it. That when it comes, it'll come and theres nothing I can really do to push and proddle it along. But then - I'm aleady thought about thinking, and also, I know I'm in this scenario trying to meet people on my own too.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a slut. I've gotten to know so many people - albeit for as short a time period as a single 3 liner email. The point is that people do talk. I wonder what they say about me. If they know. Atleast the older generation? Do they know? Are the boys talking amongst themselves? I bet you even in todays modern and high tech world (and the world of online dating) there is a double standard between men and women. So I wonder...should I accept the invitation to talk to multiple guys? Should I take one at a time while I sort through them? What if two are equally as good in terms of their profile? What do I do then?
So many questions! If only I knew the right answers!

Well thats it for this post. Stay tuned.

A pause in the chaos of life

2006-04-08T19:25:00.000-04:00

Mood: Can I relax? For Real, or just for a few minutes before it all starts again?

Actually it is just a few minutes, b/c I should really put my clothes in the Laundry before Sunset and then get off to do the things I need to do..

Hectic times for me, I changed jobs over a weekend and now I'm commuting back and forth between the new place and home - I gotta move to my own little place - which will be nice - a little break from being home with the parents! Anywhos...

My last little adventure - poor circumstances caused so much to happen between the ideal moment to meet and the actual one. It was an okay date, you know nothing that makes your heart pound with excitement, you could say it was average - possibly even boring but you know that circumstances may have impacted a great deal on that aspect of it.

The guy is great - or atleast he seems like he is. Considerate, sweet, educated, good looks, dresses well, calls when he says he will - but theres something missing, some spark some excitement - will it come? Is there hope? How do you assess such situations?

Well, perhaps we'll meet again in better circumstances - we'll see what happens then!

'Click'

2006-03-04T19:17:00.000-05:00

Current Mood: Bored. .
Summary of thoughts: How can it go well, but not well?

I went on a date last night. To be honest, I had already written off this guy (god i hope he doesn't read this, then again, he already knew that - I was kind enough to tell him that a couple months ago, but telling the whole world.. now thats a completely different thing entirely). Ok back to the point... I wasn't that enthusiastic about this particular meeting. I was going along with it for four main reasons (in order of importance): 1) His friend who set up us is kinda-sorta my friend too. 2) I thought the distraction might help me 3) I realize that I should give him a chance - especially since his attitude was so positive 4) A night out on the town couldn't hurt and the practice was always good.

So we met up. We had some dessert /coffee / tea. We talked. Mostly serious religion stuff / relationship stuff. I realize I can't talk about that stuff openly and honestly. The words just don't come out of my mouth. I had no energy. I felt like I was going to fall asleep on the poor guy. Then I had that immense feeling of guilt. The guilt poored into me, mainly because I felt like I was being a bad host. His first visit to my city. When he asked if I wanted to hang out and do something beyond the coffee, I agreed. We settled on a drive... I figured one might as well 'see' the CN Tower if they're in Toronto for the first time. The hour drive turned into a couple of hours. It was actually quite fun. I felt a lot more relaxed and as we drove I realized how much there actually was to show a person about Toronto! We must have drove west on bloor, college and queen st about 6 times each before we figured out how to get where we wanted to go. Somehow, I dont' remember all those one ways and 'no right turn' signs everywhere. Well anyways, we had Sharmwa before we took a final look at the skyline via gardiner expressway (going the wrong way though, the eastbound view isn't as good as the westbound) and headed back to where I had parked my car.

I got home about 4 hrs later then I thought I would. He had to call his 'uncle' about 3 times to change the time when to expect him. But sitting here. I know theres still something missing. I need to Click. I need that feeling of "YES". I need that 'i want to jump you but thats completely out of character so i won't feeling'. I can't deny that's really want I'm looking for. It's a split between beliefs, personality, comfort and tingles. Tingles is a word they use for chemistry, physical attraction and more? I don't remember the name of the movie I got it from, but I'm sticking to it. That's my story.

2006-03-02T23:50:00.000-05:00

Current Mood: bummed out.

So on Monday I emailed. I asked the ultimate question "Do you want to meet or not?" Well, I used slightly less ultimatum-ish words. I kept it casual. He hasn't "thought" about it. Apparently theres more to it then I know but he hasn't followed through with whatever that could be (even though he said he would). So I'm at a lost. I have no cause for being pissed off. I can just be bummed out, but I realize that's not a very positive thing to be either..so I'm just going to move on. Move ahead. Look forward. Don't Look Back in Anger