Everybody has a Story

A really long time ago

2008-11-30T00:01:00.002-05:00

moments to treasure

2007-06-18T23:18:00.000-04:00

Current mood: fluff

Life happens..
Ever feel like sometimes things are moving at an uncontrolable speed and that you just want to take a step back and relax and see yourself where you are and ponder what is next and where life takes you? Then almost when you've finally got into that groove, you suddenly want time to fly again and for things to move forward as quickly as they were before you slammed the brakes. I guess thats all I can do to describe how i'm feeling right about now.
I met a guy a couple weeks back and I feel like I'm in this whirlwind of emotion. Is this the guy for me? I keep thinking about what I have been looking for and who this person is and how that fits into the bigger picture of my life. The thought of making a decision too quickly freaks the hell out of me, and yet, i'm already planning weeks down the road and thinking about the next time we'll get together. Why are these feelings so strange? Why can't it just feel natural (sometimes it does, but most of the time it doesn't). I'm not a very good 'take it as it comes' type of person, for I think and analyze way too much. I need to ask my heart for guidance, but it refuses to speak to the unsettled mind. I keep thinking about what comes next and am I ready for it and will I be able to hold it together. wish me luck. things are good I just need to figure out if they can be great :)

for review

2007-06-06T22:49:00.000-04:00

Book Reviews:
I picked up a book on Monday from the local library. I dunno exactly what I searched and how I got to this particular book, something like "east indians america" or whatever it was. Anyways, I will definitely put up the book particulars on another occasion, right now I'm not sure anyone of you would like to read it. The book definitely hits home, but at the same time causes me much grief... it sadens me, makes me think of my life in a way that I thought that sometimes I only did but that would not relate to anyone else. I suppose I should know better - that ofcourse their will be parallels in others lifes, that is what my blog is all about... but this book - it hit home so fast. I'm addicted to it, yet it makes me depressed. I have to reach the end and find out what happens, lets pray the ending is good.

Job Stuff:
So interviews should be happenning this week. Do I want the job?? Still don't know!! I just hope I can do a good job, gotta go shopping for something to wear!!

analysis

2007-05-23T21:52:00.000-04:00

been a couple days since I last wrote.
i've been thinking over the weekend about what it is I want and why it is that I can't seem to 'let myself' get there.
the thing is that i've only been in one real relationship my whole life. from what I can remember, it was bliss until it ended.
the way we met, the way i fell in love, the way our relationship developed, it all happenned in a blur... a very fast blur.
but that's my reference: that is how a relationship should be - i should feel attracted to him almost immediately - i should want to spend every living minute with him - i should ignore all the flaws that i see and just be happy that i found him.
is that how every relationship starts? is that something that I can count on happenning again? will the emotions be that powerful? that immediate?
sure, I have references from other people, friends, tv, movies, songs, books - they all try and convince me that different relationships develop in different ways. it's not always the same.
and yet - in my realm of experiences, it's only happenned this one way and it was great and i can't seem to let that go
i know it sounds funny - but what i'm trying to say is that i haven't really given any other relationship formulas a chance.
it's complicated to explain but sometimes i think I'm looking for that rather then looking for something that has promise or potential. or maybe i just need to become friends with the guys that i meet rather then trying to size them up in two dates?
i mean - if anything sours the mood of developing a comraderie, it's definitely the fact that you are trying to find out so much about a person in so little time.
factors that may not matter to you in love, take on such importance that they are almost impossible to overlook on a first or recond date
the relationship could be killed well before it had a chance to blossom
so how long is it suppose to take? do i pursue things the 'casual' way? sometimes i define the casual way as a western approach to 'finding a guy' whereas the eastern approach to be more 'direct' and 'short and definitive' you find out if you can a) communicate b) value things in the same way and then that should be enough
the problem is I find both ways important. in the western one, attraction is a big factor, in the eastern one, similar values and compatibility take precedence
which is right? and why can't i have both?

Nostalgia

2007-05-14T21:33:00.000-04:00

I turned on my 'old' computer today. You know the one that sitting there gathering dust while I sit with her with my laptop on my lap. I honestly don't knoww why they get so warm. So anyways, you may be wondering why I turned it on. I'm not exactly sure. Is it to go back to old emails and chats I have saved on there? Is it to just listen to music that feels good in my soul? I'm one of the few people you'll ever know that has never owned a CD (atleast one that I've paid for with my own money). I have to admit I have a total of 2 cd's that my cousin gave me b/c he joined one of those 20 cds for a penny schemes and ordered things he was later embarrassed to have (being a guy and all). He probably doesn't even remeber giving it to me. As a child, growing up in the 80s and 90s, I used to tape all the songs I liked on cassette. Again, I never bought anything, my brother and sister bought me a couple of Madonna singles - never the full tape (wonder why?) and I had my sisters copy of "the Police" which I whole-heartedly loved, while everyone else my age was crazy about Backstreet boys. Can you even believe that back then, I learned the songs listening to friends in school and at the mosque signing then and crushing on Johnny? or was it Joey? I'll never know. I never actually heard them on radio myself. How unbelieveable. I think I started listening to the 'radio' when I started driving at 16. I suppose that's why I don't have a defined musical taste. I think 80% of my taste has to do with what made the top charts of any of the stations I listened to and now most of what I love has nostalgic meaning for me. So is that why I turned my computer on today?

On friday night I got together with a friend of mine and after discussing all sorts of topics, we naturally went back to something relevant to this blog in particular. Why are we still single? She recently broke up with the guy she's been dating for a good while. I still can't believe she did it. I don't think I would have the guts - not at this stage in my life to loose someone I love dearly and who I know loves me. She did it for religion and culture and overall because she couldn't trust him - which are all valid reasons in and of themselves, and when put together explains a lot. Anyways, we were reminiscing on 'potential could have beens' and interestingly enough I saw one of those the very next day.

It was weird seeing him again. I've talked about him before, he's the one that married someone I know. Anyways, he looked so different. I mean, it was the same him - who called my name in the crowd and I could feel myself blush and turn three shades deep red. The whole episode was weird. Talking to him with a friend of mine who probably also had feelings for him - we both met him the same weekend. Anyways. I don't know why I'm sharing all this - there is no point. It just made me jealous of her - the girl who actually got him - how happy she looked and how happy they looked together.

Why can't I have that? What is wrong with me? Why is it that no one is interested in me enough to get that far? I realize that I reject people quickly - but there has been a handful who I would have given a chance had they given the same to me. Am I doing something wrong? Am I saying "take care" to them?? (Apparently that has very negative conatations - learned from another random blog I was reading on the weekend). Am I giving off that "desperate" vibe?? I hope not. Deep down, I just want to share that experience of love. I dont' think I'm asking that much.

What do you think?

(in the background my MP3s are playing "A thousasnd miles" by Vanessa Carlton)
(up next is "What's Love ... got to do with it" by Ashanti) ...hmm that might explain a lot

Question for my audience

2007-05-13T13:54:00.000-04:00

First off:
For a long time now I've been resisting the invitations I keep getting for joining friendster, HI5, Where are you now? and ofcourse, now more then ever.. Facebook. One of my friends put another perspective on the argument.. what if thats the way you're going to meet someone? Just link yourself to your community groups and there you go - an automatic forum for people to find you. I wonder if it works. See I'm not the socialite type. I will not go out of my way to make new friends or to let old friends find new friends and mix groups of people I know very seperately. It's just not me. I don't even know who I'd add to my list.. cuz I'm not the type to link my acquantances to me. I just find the idea to be something for those popular types. You know the same people who are giggly and bubbly and seem to have everything in common with everyone else? In a lot of ways you could say that I've very private. Hell knows I try not to put any details here on this page that will help someone identify who I really am. At the same time, I have confided to you.. the world wide web, my fears, my frustrations, my inner conflicts and the nuances of such. So if I joined, what would be there? A picture? You mean anyone and anyone could google me and I'd be there to look at and to analyze? I just am not quite comfortable for this leap just yet. Tell me - am I wrong? Should I do it??

unrelated work stuff

2007-05-02T22:55:00.000-04:00

Current mood: discomfort

Allow me to rant about work today - just briefly and I promise you it will all come back to my purpose for this blog, just wait you'll see - I do have a one track mind!!

So there's been this *job* up in the air at the company I work at. It's something that I could totally do - but I wasn't sure at first if I was really interested. That was when they wanted me to take the job. A lot has changed since then.. it's been a couple months since then. Now they actually have a *the job* defined and it doesn't sound too bad. Except.. they've already advertised it on Workopolis. Somehow, I'm not the *winning* candidate that I may have been in the first place. Why? Probably because I asked for clarification - because I asked them to think about what they really want and what the function of the job should be. So I lost my *golden* opportunity? Perhaps! My manager still tells me I can apply. How generic does that sound? It actually sounds like I don't have a chance in hell.

The weird thing is that I've been through this before. And I should realize by now that if they aren't completely honest about things - then I really have no chance. Anyways.. the weird part is when I could have had it given to me, I didn't want it and now that it's taken away and it's a challenge to get (Competing with the unknown candidates) I want it.

So you're asking what I'm getting at. I thought this today as I realized that I *MOST* Likely won't get the position - and that maybe - it will give me the push to actually go through a "Search" process. And I'm not talking about work search. I'm talking about the fact that should I finish working around November or preferably later, then I can plan for going on some religious trips and "meet" someone. Hmm.. thats a thought. I mean the plan has always been that I'll have to move when I meet some guy who's right for me. So my thoughts on that always make me think "what they hell is the point of a full-time job then?" I mean, how does one develop their career and their contacts if they just have to pick up and move one day?

Then I always think, I can't let my career suffer for this. I mean, who knows when Mr. Right may come by? And what if he never does? Or what if he does but he is willing to move to where I am?? I would honestly LOVE that. I want to stay where I am. I love it here in Canada. I love it where I am sitting right here right now, and I don't really want to move. In fact, depending on how big the move would be, it may discourage me altogether.

Well, thats my rant. Wish me luck. I will need it. I guess I should start working on my resume, right?

unsuccesful attempt

2007-04-30T22:47:00.000-04:00

So I went to the meat market and I didn't meet a single guy that I didn't already know from beforehand. There were plenty of new ones - don't get me wrong, but I just didn't meet em or talk to em or interact with them. I just kinda hung out with the girls I knew, talked to a few of the boys I knew and then skiddadled back home. What a night to remember - IE forget. But the postive things that happenned was that I showed a bunch of "aunties" that "hey, I'm here, set me up" and maybe / hopefully they just might! Ofcourse an aunty was very kind enough to point out to me that there was only one boy that was old enough for me.. as if age was so important and no guy younger then me would even consider me - ok that is probably true when I'm in a room filled with 19-21year old girls and the average age of the guys are 21.

ohh well, doesn't hurt trying...

Starting from Scrath

2007-04-26T21:34:00.000-04:00

Current Mood: ready for new possibilities

I have gone through a period of detox lately. This means that all those men that kept on coming around (I let em go back into the water soon enough after they jumped out) are gone. No more fish in the sea. But

The water is still as can be and a feeling of calmness resonates from my body. I've gone through a period of detox. There were many fish in the sea for a while and for some reason they wouldn't stop biting. I let em go back in the water almost as soon as I could evaluate there worthiness. Don't get me wrong.. I am not saying "they're not worthy" - but ok, I am.. but not the way it sounds. It's not that I have something against these men.. they just weren't for me. I don't think it's a bad thing to be able to judge that with just a few interactions. It can be done and sure I could have missed the mark too but I'm willing to believe that for these ones in particular, I haven't missed anything. So that brings me to where I am now.

Starting from Scratch.

Atleast a month, if not more since the last boy called and left me a voicemail. I never returned it b/c it came a whole month after we talked last - why qualify that? I don't need it and wasn't particularly interested in it anyways.

So on Saturday I attend a meet market. I just realized that it's been over a year and a half since the last one of those that I've attended. This one is local and in all likelihood it will be crap. But I'm going to look at it like this: No pain no gain. Maybe just maybe their will be someone there for me. Gotta hope.. I'm not getting any younger

Well. thats it for me today.

eclipse of the heart

2007-03-03T17:54:00.000-05:00

shatterred once again by the same plague. why do i let it affect me? Such a silly reason. he mentioned this person he knows, a member of my extended family in his last email. Now my mom mentions to me, that very same person is in Town. Lives miles and miles away - multiple flights but is here - and my parents will probably meet him on Wednesday before he flies back on Thursday. I am intrigued to meet him too! Would I get a chance to say "hey do you know such and such?" and "is he a good person?" would i be able to do that? Would I be able to do that - while not causing a stir of attention amongst anybody else? what would he think of the questions? would he know that this boy was a potential for me? would he already have that information known to him?? There is no way to ask, there is no reason to spread knowledge about such a thing. I mean it's over right. the fat ladies already sung a couple of times. I don't need it beat into my head. A little part of me wishes, that this person, could spread the news to this boy.. wow what a wonderful girl she is. you should really go for her.. then it would be worth it.. but alas, he doesn't even know me. and how would that information be receieved? obviously family members would say positive things about their own.. so it wouldn't be taken with a grain of salt whatsoover. So is the reason I want to meet him to do with him? or is it merely to send an email - guess what - I just met this uncle this week, he was here - he came to Canada! What else would I say? would there be anything valid? Can't I just keep my mouth shut (and my fingers still - no typing is necessary here). maybe. maybe not. first I need to see how I can impress upon going to this occassion where I've obviously been excluded (cousins are going supposedly, but have I been invited? by my parents, by the hosts? naada.). Oh well. only time will tell. only time will make my obsession go (i hope it will).

needs

2007-02-26T21:04:00.000-05:00

Mood: restless
Latest happy moment: Seein a link to my blog on Isheeta's! :)
Realization: my writing is always better when I'm in moods of true angst
Insight: this post should be good - I can feel the angst gutted in me

So you're curious? Why is she so restless... come on boys & girls.. isn't it obvious. I need a man. Yes. I've decided that I've waited long enough - he better show up soon because otherwise I may have to resort to other measures.. is there such a thing as a muslim nunery? I made a pack with a friend to 'run to a nunery' as soon as we got sick of the search.. well what happenned? She got married almost a year ago. Yep that was the last time I was a bridesmaid... get this that was the third time - remember the saying: always a bridesmaid never a bride - it fit me completely! But.. get this, another friend mentioned to me that I'll be a bridesmaid at her upcoming wedding, ohh god another one.. And then another friend is getting married this fall and it's highly possible I'll be in the bridal party then too.. geez louis. I'm getting sick of this... and why don't any of my wonderful friends have cute guys attending their wedding? Why oh why???

Well anyways.. rant I shall not about weddings. My rant today is supposed to be about culture and guys today. I'm a muslim gal in Canada. I'm just looking for someone who can attest to the same values I do - AND have a personality AND be okay looking. I'm not even asking for a cutey - although that would help matters along quite a bit. I'm just saying, be kewl.. not highschool cool, just geeky kewl. Chillaxed but religious, with values and a sense of confidence. Why is it so *freaking* hard to find that?? HUH?? Give me a good reason..

Ok.. I have limitations beyond that - but even if I didn't - where would I find these other random men? My friends keep saying "just open yourself up to any muslim". My response "and exactly how will that help?". See the point is this: I only got a couple of friends that are muslim that don't go to my mosque.. and they're just as disatisfied with their selection of guys as I am - so what use will it be? Sure - I could use a little more Shaadi.com and hook-up with some local guys that way.. but heck.. that is not the goal here - I'm trying to find someone I can develop a sustainable relationship with. You know the type that won't ditch you after 3 emails (if it gets that far!!)

well.. I'm sorry. this post was supposed to be good but I'm sleepy now and writing has just made me cranky. Sorry. Wait.. Why AM I apologizing? This is the way I FEEL!

goodnite folks

when love's not in the air

2007-02-14T18:34:00.000-05:00

V-day. Or D-day or something like that. I vowed that I would not become all sappy and depressed today. This day this year, and future years to come. It's a stupid holiday anyways. Right?

I guess the problem is that I am struggling to find my 'ideal' relationship of sorts. I keep entering these 'meetings' these set-ups, whether of my own doing (internet dating) or set-ups (aunti-ji's & the marriage committee - yup those exist). And yet I'm never content with them... always finding something or another that's wrong with them and then I discount them and feel rotten afterwards. I knew the local boy was no good for me, but I feel rotten for ditching him today. I mean, I could have been one of those people out tonight - celebrating the event rather then bitching about it. But really - I knew it wasn't going to happen, so why do that?

Maybe I should ignore relationships for a while? Get some detox? Thats the thing, no one lets me do that. It seems, I keep turning new leafs as there is a constant stream of people. I don't know how thats possible, but it is. Sometimes they disappear though (a friend setting me up with her relative, and then it doesn't happen). Those upset me, I'd rather not know about it if its' going to end before it started.

I guess I'll just have to keep posted. Maybe love will knock me down by next year? Maybe. . but i highly doubt it.

Anyways, for those of you singles out there, happy non-v-day! Lets celebrate, lets share our love to each other.. and all that sap!

another end

2007-02-07T23:42:00.000-05:00

And when he said "I think I turned into an alcoholic that summer" I knew it was over. No doubts left, no need to continue evaluating the pros & cons of prolonging this relationship beyond it's normal end point. No point testing out the whole "having a relationship" thing vs. the figure it out "in one shot deal" thats the usual for me.

The Past

2007-01-28T23:10:00.000-05:00

I tell my sister, forget about what happenned yesterday or last week, or years ago.. focus on the present, the future. Look at what you can do to change the circumstances that you're in now and move forward with your life. Is that good advice? I wonder..
I wish that sometimes - especially when it comes to relationships, I'd heed that very advice. I'm terrible when it comes to love. I remember the good and the bad and all the inbetween of every relationship (even if it's the exchange of one email). I hold with me the occurences of real potential, I reflect on them, I tell myself that I don't reject "everyone" that I have found people with potential.. but then a friend pointed out to me something very intriguing and essentially true "where are these guys". What can I say? I've never suceeded in having those I was truly interested in - wanting the same thing with me. Admittedly two had potential - I could see their interest in me too - but somehow they both decided against it. Did I drive them away? Were they really interested in me? Was I reading the signals right? What did I do wrong?
My heart holds on to them - reminding me that it is possible to find a man that has a good balance fo the qualities I'm looking for: Normal (good / comfortable to talk to - chemistry, somewhat religious - attends mosque, educated, sense of humour, no nasty habits (ie drinking, smoking, drugs), good looking, outgoing / confident). Is this so much to ask for? I know the looks thing is vain, but lets be honest.. if I can't imagine being in your arms.. then it's just not going to work out. If I can't look at your face - then theres a problem.. no matter how good a person you are...
So girls out there, are you having the same problem as me? I have met a couple who meet most of the criteria.. but I just haven't given them a real chance.. at least that's what I justify myself with.. At this point, I'm tired of meeting guys and I just want to meet the guy. Why won't he find me? I'm here, waiting for him..

I wish you girls who are with me the same. I hope that today and tomorrow, I can look for him without having to remember the past ones, wishing that he (one of the two is married already, that I know of) will come back and renew things with me. I know he's no good anyways. I should just let go..but I can't.. but my dear readers already know that...

all for now..

Do we call her Paki now?

2007-01-05T00:20:00.000-05:00

She's gone and done it now. Theres no turning back. I can't beleive it's over. We celebrated with her with reservation. What a change. What a difference. How her life is going to be different. Should we have been happy for her? I tried , I really did. Actually at times I must have been. But today I weep for her (she has no idea). I miss her and hope her life will be happy but I am unsure. Is it enough? Will her life be good without the normalness of living in North America? Canada?? My favorite country in the world!!
Why are you wondering what I'm talking about? It's my sister, dear sister.. she's gone off and married a Pakistani! Not any old pakistani - one that actually resides in Pakistan and has no desire to actually leave the country!!
I have to admit though, the country is not as bad as I thought it would be. Sure there are cultural differences, like women can't just walk around late at night for any old reason. But then again, do you feel safe walking the streets of Toronto in the middle of the night? And if so, why the hell are you walking the streets of Toronto in the middle of the night - and by yourself? That's just crazy. Especially if you're married and don't have to do stuff like that.. unless it's to get away from your crazy husband.. hehehe.. well, I gotta have a sense of humour about it don't I?
Anyways, here are my wishes for my sister:
1) she's happy
2) her husband dotes her and has the patience to accept her the way she is
3) her sis' in laws don't drive her insane
4) she doesn't have kids *right away* (though i'm sure she would be thrilled to, quite literally)
5) she learns the language quick
6) she becomes independent, drives and learns to manage the difference in cultural
7) she has kids at the appropriate time in her marriage, after she's really gotten to know her hubby
8) her family gets to see her as often as they want, she comes to Canada all the time
9) if she wants to, she gets a job in her field
10) she doesn't miss home too too much

well thats it for me and this post. hopefully she'll grow up and mature in the next couple of weeks cuz I think this year is going to be a toughy!!

bye for now,
cbmg!

2006-09-17T21:01:00.000-04:00

Mood: Contemplation

I went on a blind-date today. It was kinda exciting, especially since it's been months since my last one. I guess I just wasn't really expecting what or rather who I met. Not that there was anything wrong with him. That wasn't it, it was just well - as much as he was a part and parcel of my culture and religion - he wasn't. At least not exactly. Not the type of person you'd expect garbed in our religious clothes . The date went ok, I even learned that maybe I was judging too much based on some of the things he said. Maybe deep down he is the religious type. Or maybe a question I have to ask my self is - do I want the religious type? The conversation flowed alright. There were a few awkward moments where we didn't know what to say to each other. There was obviously some nervousness but at the same time I think we both managed to make each other laugh. So I don't know. I think I will leave this to whatever may come of it.

He has my msn name and I well, know of his. If he adds me, then I'll talk to him and see where it goes. If it goes somewhere, then I can find out more details, maybe questions I ask that are too personal or too judgemental at the get-go.

Well, thats it from me. It's nice to meet someone who actually lives in this City!!

It's only 9pm but I'm dead tired. (soo soo very sad).
Goodnight folks.

cbmg signing off.

Energy

2006-09-10T00:09:00.000-04:00

Mood: Need to find some energy, need to energize myself and everyone around me.

The search is on for something that has been eluded millions of people before: HAPPINESS. Why do some people lead seemingly fulfilled lives while others can not seem to find happiness in anything: not what they do, not what they have, not what they wish to purchase, not what they see or aspire to do, not what they taste, not what they know, happiness is a word and just simply that as they are unable to achieve it. Could it be that the value placed on this word has made it unachievable? Could it be that we don't know what we are really searching for? Could it be that we are so spoiled with material gains and life is so simple for us (despite it's complications of long commutes and small cubicles and working hours that seem to never end?) that we do not have the energy or enthusiasm to appreciate any of it?

I call all and any who have found the keys, the secrets to please share em with me as I continue my search. I hope I can share this knowledge with all who need it!

Next point for today, energy. We are so young, yet so many of us are struggling so hard to have anytime for leisure, we do not enjoy our time with free moments. We don't see our friends often enough, and we sleep any moment we can. If we're not sleeping, we are wishing we were. It's so incredibly sad to see my twenty-something friends (including myself) be so tired that they would have to be home by 10 on a weekend. My 50-something aunts and uncles have more of a social life then we do. They go out and enjoy always laughing with each other and often staying out till wee hours of the night (yes 3-4am) . So why are we so young and yet so old? Why do we lack any energy or drive and why do we not seem to enjoy ourselves as much? The weekends go and then Mondays feel like a new week has started without any breaks. We meed to cultivate and motivate oursleves to spend more time really doing what young people do. I mean, just because I don't belong in the bar-hopping, clubbing all the rage weekend and weekday crowd doesn't mean that I don't want to have an awesome weekend doing something fun. Anyways, I don't know what or how to motivate and cultivate, but I hope I can and soon before it's too late!

Goodnight folks, yes it's a 12:30am on a saturday night and i'm home in front of a computer. So sad. hopefully next weekend, i'll be out on the town rather then sharing my old age with all of you!

Standing Up

2006-07-07T23:57:00.000-04:00

This story isn't really mine. But it's close to my heart and it's true so I'll share it anyways.

My mood right now: frustrated, peeved and ready to throw a punch (ok maybe just a verbal one, but still)

In this story girl meets boy and things are going great.. well things are going. Anywhos, the point is that they agreed to get married. She'll be moving (to a third world country from Canada) and he'll get to stay put and keep running his business and go on with his life in the same manner as before the union. She'll be loosing family, friends and countless career opportunities. But theres benefit of having a husband, someone to share life with and love and have children with.. all goals that I'd like to achieve (though I hope to not have to sacrifice my country of residence and my family and friendships).

Anywhos, they're currently (ok over the last month) trying to negotiate their wedding dates. His family is impossible to deal with. They seem to want to (and suceed very well at) calling all the shots. They leave no room for discussion , ignoring what her side says unless and only if it's in their favour to remember bits and pieces.

I worry for her because I think they're going to walk all over her. She's not the type to fight back and I keep saying "Stand up for yourself girl". I'm worried that if she gives in at this point, well forget the rest of her married life, it's always going to be the same. I guess I think it's important to set boundaries. To let the other person know they can't walk over you. Its' strange, like a person can tell a pushover and will always take advantage of that but will not dare with someone who will fight back. Why can't people just be good and honest enough not to do that in the first place?

Anywhos, my point girls is, stand up for yourself. No matter who the guy is and what he's like - I think theres a risk that you'll be pushed into something or some decision and I think thats not right. Even the nicest of guys can pull this scheme on you when you least expect it.

Well all for me, too tired to finish this.

cbmg

Heart and Head so different

2006-06-18T13:07:00.000-04:00

Mood: Daydreamingly unproductive.

You know when your heart is stuck miles behind your current stage in life and the more you ask it to catch up with the rest of you - the more it refuses. Thats exactly how I feel at this moment in particular.

Part of me did something to spark something again to challenge a reply, to challenge a thought - and it worked so eloquently well that it disappoints me further. It's like I put myself out there asking to be hurt. Asking for awknowledgement when in reality my brain knows it's unnecessary. So why do I do it?

A question to all you readers (and I'm guessing I have none, I'm going to have to figure out how to get my blog noticed actually. I think it'd be much interesting to have some anonymous readers, still not ready for people who actually know me to be reading all these deeply personal thoughts). Ok, back to the question: Are men really that superficial? Is looks and weight and body type at the forefront of their "mind" when it comes to who they find attractive? Should I hold it against them when that criteria plays so largely into their scheme of things that I am rejected on such a point? And should I be happy I'm rid of that situation or will it occur with every man out there? Will I constantly have to think about my figure and will I be less loved if it doesn't fit some unknown ideal?

I know women have the same reluctance to accept a man whos' shorter then they like, or one with a belly or baldness or whatever it might be. But I believe at some level women get over these things and realize it's the person with all there qualities that makes the man, not just physical appearance. I know I have my own reservations, even with this particular boy in question - but something tells me that the comfort level is far more important then the physical aspect. It has to meet a level of acceptability but does not need to reach the ideals by any comparison. I dunno. Maybe I'm just as superficial and haven't been faced with having to make that call.

All I know is - there was something I genuinely felt right about this situation, one that was taken away so swiftly that I haven't stopped looking back to see if theres any hope of return.

If only my heart could let it go - and let my mind take over and lead me to new fresh ideas. I still think I need to meet this person, somewhere, somehow to get it out of my system. I'd like it to crash and burn and to rid me of this constant upheaval. What if's plague me, sending constant messages from heart to head.

I feel like I can't genuinely give thought to new potentials, my comparative brain reaching back to a combination of three. Only one was real. I miss that one the most but the other two had elements of what I really am looking for. I have to start fresh, I have to somehow cleanse my heart of these obstacles that plague me during the long summer days and the cold winter nights.

Well, I don't want to leave this post on a down note, I guess I can say, I'm trying some new things and we'll see how that goes.

take care, hope to hear some comments soon!

Chance

2006-05-14T00:52:00.000-04:00

Mood: Peeved

Today I was walking through my local mall - by local I mean the very same mall that I often visited when I should have been in school, the one where we went to on weekends to 'hang' , the same one we bought all our clothes and birthday presents from. To be honest, I still live right next to it, so it's not uncommon for me to find myself trasping through it - usually looking pretty bummy, not caring how I look. I know thats a bad attitude, especially somewhere I'm bound to run into people I know. The interesting thing is - I usually only run into people from Mosque - it's never people I went to high school with. That just happenned to be the case today. The very same day that I didn't look once in the mirror before stepping outside. I put on some shoes and headed out the door. What a look I had going too - blue jeans that were in desperate need of a wash, a red fitted top that didn't quite reach my pants and a bright green and yellow polka dotted purse. What a great look to happen upon two guys from highschool. Well, the one in particular a person whom I'm not sure if I did or did not have a crush on! I would have much preferred to look my finest or just even average - but he caught a hold of me when I looked like shit - entering a toy store! Great. But I guess thats what chance is all about. Next time, I think I'll dress up - even or especially when going shopping at the local mall!

Goodnight folks.

Starting over..

2006-04-23T22:42:00.000-04:00

Current Mood: Contemplating Open Heart Wounds

If you recall from previous posts, this past year (rolling year I suppose, one that started in March and ended in February) has had two - I wouldn't say life altering - but life tasting moments.

The first of which happenned in late March when I met someone through the youth gatherings I've attended in the states. Lets just say he's engaged now. Lets add that it's someone I know and that they're probably going to live in Canada now. Just great. Their wedding is approaching too. He was the type of person who after spending some time with (definitely not an immediate reaction) I realized that I liked - that I could be comfortable with and felt natural - like myself around him - well part of the time anyways. There was something in the air that night - whether it was chemistry or lack of sleep I guess I'll never know.

Second one was someone whom I've never met. Why was it so life tasting? I dunno. I've having trouble explaining that to anyone privy of the situation. I actually shared this experience with some people. I dunno. I felt really good about it but I also felt really crummy about it in many ways. He was someone with I could just express a lot of thoughts. It's usually not that easy for me - to write full page emails to one person day after day and not run out of things to say. The same goes for the two conversations we had. Incredible. I had fun. I wasn't bored - sure there were brief moments but they just came back. I laughed. I enjoyed it. We shared common interests: swimming was a big one - someone who enjoys it like I do - maybe even more so! Sense of humour, taste in movies. I remember one part of a conversation we had, about language when I was still refusing to say anything in Gujrati. I was concerned that it would be a problem and I was saying how I want to learn so 'blah blah' and he interrupts me and with a confident tone says "It's not a problem" (or was it "It won't be a problem") anyways, it was like he was so sure of himself and of how he wouldn't let that effect his parents view of me. I dunno. I just felt really good. Like I was in strong arms. I really liked that feeling. God..I really felt good. Special. Loved even. Well. The long story short, he's out of the picture. I'm not entirely sure why. I'm not sure if I'll ever hear what became of him, or whether he'll decide to come here and marry another person I know! He walked away for reasons I will never understand. All I know is that it may have had to do with a photo I sent of myself in non-flattering clothing and the fact that we were the same age (which only became an issue late in the game). Something about not wanting children till 33 or at all. I know I am better off without. I know that somewhere deep in my soul. But it trickles out every so often. My feelings. I know I need to avoid the rollercoasters, they can't be good for you long term. And that was full of them. I think I will always wonder about this situation, healthy or not because it is so intriguing. My feelings went so far - yet I had never met the person. Never been there or done that before. There were other things too that I liked: the accent (huge plus), religious values were on par, family seemed pretty in, no drinking, no smoking, no drugs, seemed to have high ambitions in life. All great things.

I dunno. I have met people with similar attributes and thought nothing of them. There was a comfort level here, with both these individuals that was different. Set them apart. Something Unique. I can't put my finger on. Thats what I'm going for here. I need to find that. When and where I don't know if I ever will -- to match those features and still pass the stronger tests that I have for them. I hope so anyways.

Well the main thing I hope for this year is that I can start over. Start fresh. Not let any of my setbacks from the past haunt me. I hope I can. I hope I can let my heart feel without blocking it off once more. I know now more then ever (after opening it up twice in one short year) that it's hard to let em in and even harder to let em go.

Long enough for a serious post. Hope you'll have some comments. Starting to think no one reads this blog.

Bias?

2006-04-21T20:07:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure how long my pause actually lasted or if it began at all. Ohh the long weekend was so nice! And this weekend isn't too packed so it'll be good as well.

You're probably wondering why I haven't spend so much time lamenting the details of my search. I guess - sometimes I think I shouldnt' think so much about it. That when it comes, it'll come and theres nothing I can really do to push and proddle it along. But then - I'm aleady thought about thinking, and also, I know I'm in this scenario trying to meet people on my own too.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a slut. I've gotten to know so many people - albeit for as short a time period as a single 3 liner email. The point is that people do talk. I wonder what they say about me. If they know. Atleast the older generation? Do they know? Are the boys talking amongst themselves? I bet you even in todays modern and high tech world (and the world of online dating) there is a double standard between men and women. So I wonder...should I accept the invitation to talk to multiple guys? Should I take one at a time while I sort through them? What if two are equally as good in terms of their profile? What do I do then?
So many questions! If only I knew the right answers!

Well thats it for this post. Stay tuned.

A pause in the chaos of life

2006-04-08T19:25:00.000-04:00

Mood: Can I relax? For Real, or just for a few minutes before it all starts again?

Actually it is just a few minutes, b/c I should really put my clothes in the Laundry before Sunset and then get off to do the things I need to do..

Hectic times for me, I changed jobs over a weekend and now I'm commuting back and forth between the new place and home - I gotta move to my own little place - which will be nice - a little break from being home with the parents! Anywhos...

My last little adventure - poor circumstances caused so much to happen between the ideal moment to meet and the actual one. It was an okay date, you know nothing that makes your heart pound with excitement, you could say it was average - possibly even boring but you know that circumstances may have impacted a great deal on that aspect of it.

The guy is great - or atleast he seems like he is. Considerate, sweet, educated, good looks, dresses well, calls when he says he will - but theres something missing, some spark some excitement - will it come? Is there hope? How do you assess such situations?

Well, perhaps we'll meet again in better circumstances - we'll see what happens then!

'Click'

2006-03-04T19:17:00.000-05:00

Current Mood: Bored. .
Summary of thoughts: How can it go well, but not well?

I went on a date last night. To be honest, I had already written off this guy (god i hope he doesn't read this, then again, he already knew that - I was kind enough to tell him that a couple months ago, but telling the whole world.. now thats a completely different thing entirely). Ok back to the point... I wasn't that enthusiastic about this particular meeting. I was going along with it for four main reasons (in order of importance): 1) His friend who set up us is kinda-sorta my friend too. 2) I thought the distraction might help me 3) I realize that I should give him a chance - especially since his attitude was so positive 4) A night out on the town couldn't hurt and the practice was always good.

So we met up. We had some dessert /coffee / tea. We talked. Mostly serious religion stuff / relationship stuff. I realize I can't talk about that stuff openly and honestly. The words just don't come out of my mouth. I had no energy. I felt like I was going to fall asleep on the poor guy. Then I had that immense feeling of guilt. The guilt poored into me, mainly because I felt like I was being a bad host. His first visit to my city. When he asked if I wanted to hang out and do something beyond the coffee, I agreed. We settled on a drive... I figured one might as well 'see' the CN Tower if they're in Toronto for the first time. The hour drive turned into a couple of hours. It was actually quite fun. I felt a lot more relaxed and as we drove I realized how much there actually was to show a person about Toronto! We must have drove west on bloor, college and queen st about 6 times each before we figured out how to get where we wanted to go. Somehow, I dont' remember all those one ways and 'no right turn' signs everywhere. Well anyways, we had Sharmwa before we took a final look at the skyline via gardiner expressway (going the wrong way though, the eastbound view isn't as good as the westbound) and headed back to where I had parked my car.

I got home about 4 hrs later then I thought I would. He had to call his 'uncle' about 3 times to change the time when to expect him. But sitting here. I know theres still something missing. I need to Click. I need that feeling of "YES". I need that 'i want to jump you but thats completely out of character so i won't feeling'. I can't deny that's really want I'm looking for. It's a split between beliefs, personality, comfort and tingles. Tingles is a word they use for chemistry, physical attraction and more? I don't remember the name of the movie I got it from, but I'm sticking to it. That's my story.

2006-03-02T23:50:00.000-05:00

Current Mood: bummed out.

So on Monday I emailed. I asked the ultimate question "Do you want to meet or not?" Well, I used slightly less ultimatum-ish words. I kept it casual. He hasn't "thought" about it. Apparently theres more to it then I know but he hasn't followed through with whatever that could be (even though he said he would). So I'm at a lost. I have no cause for being pissed off. I can just be bummed out, but I realize that's not a very positive thing to be either..so I'm just going to move on. Move ahead. Look forward. Don't Look Back in Anger

how long, how long must I sing this song?

2006-02-24T23:54:00.000-05:00

Current Mood: Unsure.
Summary of thoughts: Proceed with caution? don't proceed at all??
Random Advice:
(A) Play hard to get
(B) Keep yourself in the game by constant communication
(C) Be optimistic.

Lets get to the story now.
I got an email today. Yes. it's been awhile. Did I tell you how long it's been? Since departure, it has been exactly 3 weeks. Since the "expected arrival date" it's been 11 days. I honestly, dind't expect anything till a week ago friday (earliest wednesday). So the delay was a week longer then I had hoped. But what I got today was not something that brought my spirits up in the least bit. If anything it made me second guess what I liked so much about him in the first place. A friend of mine tells me (actually a couple of friends tell me that) I'm TOO NEGATIVE. In reality, I don't think that's actually true. Anywho's reading his response (not to the last two emails I had sent, but to one that he'd replied to in short) I got the feeling that, HE is the one who's negative. The more I think about it, I've decided that I just like negative people cuz they're like myself. My good friends are not the cheery type. I have a couple who are just that, but I only am around them in small doses and they don't really influence my life more then me being very happy to see them.

I'm digressing. The point is that his email didn't give me anything to go by. It was utterly generic. Ofcourse, it summarized the typical Muslim speed dating scene that occurs in our community - his first experience with it. I wasn't really surprised that he went (by choice or by force, who will ever really know?). If there was such a function here, I'd be there too (probably a combination of having too and keeping an open mind that it wouldn't be as bad as last time (locally atleast)).

Other then that, numerous complains were written, a health claim attesting to the "reason"? as to why I hadn't heard back, but nothing more then that. Not even a question or two for me to respond too. Utterly generic, no reference to ME specifically other then my email address. If he hadn't replied within a previous message, I would have suspected that it was a mass email synopsis of his trip to all his contacts. So thats it.

Now, the question is what do I do? My gut feel is to leave it alone for awhile. See if he comes back with more to say at a later time (sometime next week). I would like to talk/ catch up and see if I can get into the swing of things again - feel something - feel anything but I'm not sure it's the brightest idea for two reasons. Reason #1 - I may still be too angry to actually give him a fair shot. Being pissed off (once again) isn't truly putting an honest effort into the situation. Reason #2 - I don't want to give up more of my heart to this. The disappearing act has already happenned twice. Twice!!! I feel like with those two and the whole awkward convo/email that we've hit our three strikes. You're out at three strikes right?? Or are their Nine Innings? I haven't quite figured that part out yet. But the point is that if I let myself fall again.. getting back up will be MUCH much harder then before.

Ok, I'm too tired to write anymore and you're probably sick of listening to me blab. And to think, that I haven't even been thinking about this THAT much this week! I really have managed to keep my brain to a low level of obsessive compulsiveness.

Goodnight folks. Appreciate any comments.

CdnMuslim girl - proud of our Canadian female athletes, they rocked this Olympics!

Imagine - your enemy

2006-02-16T21:58:00.000-05:00

Current Mood: wishing i kept my hopes in check (as all advised me was the WRONG thing to do)

So everyone keeps telling me that if I'm closed up emotionally and put up boundaries and all this stuff - I will never be able to get into a deeper, more meaningful level with anybody. So they tell me, I have to be vulnuerable. But then when I show that I care - let my feelings out - I seem to always get hit on the hammer with it. Like I'm doing something wrong, or how dare I? Such a fine line between letting guards down and creating unnecessary tensions in your head. Developping a relationship in your head doens't actually take much work. The imagination runs wild if you let it. Its your biggest enemy at times like these.

fear

2006-02-13T23:04:00.000-05:00

Current Mood: scared s-h-i-t-l-e-s-s (no it does not spell what u think it spells!)

I just read my last post and I gotta say - that my resolves didn't last as long as they should have. As I've self diagnosed myself, I might as well share with you my pychosis. I'm paranoid. Perhaps you could tell that I was a little peeved at being jilted from a email correspondence just prior to the X-mas break. At New Years, I had gotten past that and was happy to have myself to me - no more sacrifices to my own daily life (staying up and thinking about a boy or boys or some lady who knows boys) . Well, it didn't last. The boy reappeared. I can't say that I wasn't glad that he did. We actually had two conversations that went quite well after that... until he brought up a subject that made things very weird and awkward. Suddenly what seemed to be going really well - seemed like it was about to hit the trash. I'm not going to share the nitty gritty's - I know I should - thats probably what a blog is all about - but lets just say that our next conversation was pretty sour. Probably more my fault then his - but I was angry (understandably) and despite trying not to show it - I did. Since then, we've exchanged an email each and then he left for a trip to see his parents. I knew he was going to go and I knew he probably wouldn't contact me while he was gone but a small part of me wished that he would...a "hello" email just to show he was thinking about me... or that (god forbid) he missed me? I know it's TOO early for that - but I find myself sitting here feeling that exact way. I'm not sure what it is - I haven't even MET the dude...
So my waiting continues...his return date purposely kept vague so he wouldn't HAVE to write to me immediately after coming back.. I suspect that he'll be back in touch on Wednesday, but if not, maybe not til Friday. I find the waiting incredibly hard. So many thoughts going through my head - what if he's changed his mind and doesn't want to keep in touch and meet me after all? Thats the main one for now atleast.. the others will come in due time (atleast on the blog...if it gets that far). Part of me is paranoid that he'll have found some girl back home.. someone his parents have already picked and primed up to be their new daughter - how can you compete with that??

Well.. yes, I'm paranoid.. but I told you that to start with. Yes - there are more reasons then these to be scared - but these are mine and I can't help but feel them.

Wish me luck..a good part of me really wishes this is going to work out - so do some dua's for me and i'll keep ya posted.

times have changed

2006-01-07T21:31:00.000-05:00

Mood: Relief

Ahh, you misread my mood and thought things have figured themselves out already or something like that. No...no, thats not quite it! I have just made the resolution to not think too much about the potential men out there in the world. I've realized that the time I waste with these potentials, I could be doing much better things with my life. Ahh yes, I am still on the search but I've got a new outlook. Come to me. I'll participate in emails, and phone calls and whatever else it takes, would be happy to go on meetings (provided they are taking place in the city I'm in) but, I'm not making any major commitments or going through any more stresses. I've realized something. Men are living in a world of their own. They want something but are not willing to go for it and figure things out in a consise manner. Or, perhaps, they are just faster at making decisions and once they have made those decisions, they move on. In a way it's great that they don't waste anymore of your time, but it sucks when they waste your time and then disappear when you're ready to figure it out! Well no more of that. I'm not going to waste my energies or get too attached to anyone before I know it's serious! Well...atleast not this week :)

thats it for today!

Happy Year!

2005-12-31T18:45:00.000-05:00

Mood: Want to ring in the new year with a bang!
Thoughts on the new year: Might actually right out some resolutions this year!

Somehow my bitterness is gone and I just want to greet a whole bunch of people with the happiness that a new year should bring. Perhaps it's that feeling of starting fresh and exploring new things. Knowing that I will have start a job search, knowing that my missions haven't been solved the year will come with a lot of stress but with that comes motivation to write stories of my experiences over here!

I'm looking forward to the new wiped slate. It feels like it could be a good thing! And I want to stay positive! And keep it real.

It's a weird balance, to keep it real. On one hand you're not supposed to care if someone stops talking to you for no reason and on the other hand you have to make an effort and act like you do care when you really haven't had a chance to figure out whether you do!

Well thats it. The evening has to start soon enough, good food, maybe see some friends, nothing crazy nothing spectacular but good all the same!

Too many stresses

2005-12-05T22:38:00.001-05:00

Current Mood: Pissed atthe World (oops, you didn't read me say that, I am angered by the world)

Well it's been a while since I've written here. My resolve to do so has been inandated with other things. I'm sorry for that. What can I tell you? There are too many potential people, who are not really potential people at all. They live in foreign lands and they see the world outside my perspective. I don't know what I am going to do and I don't know if what I'm looking for is something that exists or that I'm going to necessarily find. What I do know is that I want to be happy. I want things to work out in a brilliant way. I want to be attracted to the person, I want to think of them as an amazing friend, I want to be so comfortable and easy going and have fun. But I also want them to be part of my religion to believe in it (Islam and Culturalism's) to make it work with my own belief sytems, my parents, my whole exisitance of being. I somehow can't imagine it working any other way. Part of me feels like I shouldn't have to make the sacrifice of moving as well, but it seems that is something inevitable.Is it a pre-requisite that I have to be comfortable with? Is it something I'm just going to have to do without want? Now that I really really think about it, I think, why would I want to do that? Why would I want to leave my family, my friends, everything just to get married to some guy? IS that worth the other pieces of the pie? I'm not sure. Maybe a better sacrifice, is one of the above to stay here?? I'm not sure anymore. I gotta say I'm completely confused. Life is a bunch of sacrifices, I do understand that, but I think people have to work on things and stretch a little both ways. To say that you wouldn't even consider coming here, like it's a prerequisite to stay there, I dunno, that makes me a little uncomfortable. It means that you're probably inflexible. Well. I don't know. So I won't bother speculating others, I need to look into myself and determine what sacrifices I'm willing to take and what sacrifices I'm not. It seems that we as WOMEN, always need to make the bigger ones. It seems unfair, but I guess I gotta live with it or just screw the whole things altogether.

I'm sorry I can't write more in this post. But the good news is that we'll be getting another computer very soon. The new system, should be better, faster, nicer to use and well, I'm quite excited! And I can probably start to use chat!!Well goodnight for now. Wish me luck on my other endavours and ofcourse thinking this through. I have a lot more to say, don't worry!

Too many stresses

2005-12-05T22:38:00.000-05:00

Sick of it!

2005-07-10T13:19:00.000-04:00

Being a CBMG can be really trying at times. Everyone is always on your case about why you're not getting married but no one sits there and thinks ..... "maybe I should set her up with my nephew who lives in the states" or "my cousin could be a good match for her". Somehow - I don't know what it is about my personality but I'm someone people never suggest. Ok, thats not true....it's happenned a couple of times, but the shear volume of people some of my friends meet is always shocking to realize for me. Are there really that many boys out there? My friend tells me not to worry - that most of those weren't worth the 2$ at tim hortens they spent. But maybe that is my problem. I just need to meet loads of men and then suddenly be in front of one that doesn't need to ignore me the next time we see each other.

A lot of the time I feel like it's really unfair the world we live in. More and more the responsibility of relationship building is resting on the woman's shoulders. I have been told by MANY WOMEN that WE have to do all the work becuase men are lazy and they won't do it. BUT you try initiating conversation with men and it almost always backfires in your face. You end up being aggressive or needy or clinging all very negative traits. You're never seen as just showing interest.

A non-muslim friend of mine is trying to convince me to use Lavalife. A friend of his found a girlfriend within 24hrs on the site. And yes..a girlfriend, someone he's been dating for over 4 months - which is insane! I keep telling my friend that lavalife is not a place for someone like me. He's like - atleast you're meeting people who live in your vicinity (my internet boy search expands pretty much the entire world, the closest person living a 4 hr flight away). So sometimes I think, maybe I should check this out. But then I realize that finding the person you want to be with for the rest of your life shouldn't be something you take lightly. It is an important decision and life altering moment - it just shouldn't be so filled with emotional trauma.

So friends out there. I hope you have some advice for me. I'm starting to want to go to another one of those youth conferences - even though they do nothing for me!

Ahhh!

2005-07-10T02:44:00.000-04:00

There are so many stories on this adventure that I would like to share but the time and effort it takes to right it all out and the lack of editing - allows me to go on tangents and never actually get to the real story I want to tell. So I might not have given background on this one. If I start to just now, you'll never get to hear what the "Ahhh!" is all about!

I have a couple of email addresses used for a bunch of different things. We all do in this day and age....I mean - come on they are free and act as live storage (accessible pretty much anywhere). And theres all those different wants to chat and keep in touch with people. So I have two msn email addresses. One that I was 'trying' to use for all the potential boys that come around. The only problem is....when I first started this...I thought I'd do that for privacy sake.....then I realized it was too complicated because I didn't want to keep switching between two users all the time. So at that time, I added the couple of boys to my regular msn. Let me just say it's a very smart but very stupid thing to do. And this is why. Boys are dumb or forgetful or a combination of this.

Random boy #1 could not keep track of me as it was.and finally decided to block me - but only from one email address. So does that mean he's screened one persona of me out but not the other? It's something I totally don't understand. A friend told me that maybe it was just the case of - why do I have this person twice? delete from one.

I didn't buy it at the time - but as I have said I'm paranoid and over analyze everything. So since then I've been vary of contacting him first - but I also go online to the email that isn't blocked more often knowing that he'll be "on".

So lets fast forward. I know I'm going to get myself in trouble for this because my story will ring too true for some and maybe even the anonymous people I'm talking about will figure it out. Please if you are reading this and recognize yourself - be confident that none of my friends know any of these storie and that the people and myself will always remain confidential! Appreciate the writing I do because we can all learn from it.

Fast forward to Random Guy #2
Random guy #2 lets me know on msnFindAGuy that he'll be around and that we should meet up in a coule of weeks. We also discuss some beliefs that apparently we didnt' see eye to eye on before - but kinda do right now. So I'm kewl with it. Thinking - ya this might not be a bad idea at all.
THEN. I pop onto msnMyUsual to check to see if some friends are online..they're not (but he is) so I move onto msnFindAGuy where I talked to him the night before and BOOM - he's no where to be seen. I'm like ok......what's happening here? So just out of curiousity (people can sign out at any time) I go back.and there he is again online.

So now - the question I beg you is this? What happenned in the last 24 hours or in the time that we were chatting that changed my status? And knowing that it has changed - what do I do? I can not think there is some kind of fluke in the system - all signs point to a purpose block out. Its possible that he didn't want to talk right now so he blocked me the way "invis" used to do on ICQ (god i loved the privacy features on that program) but this is driving me up the wall. It keeps happenning.

Like why do people feel like they have to avoid someone out of their life ? Am I a nuisance or something? I just don't get it. I would REALLY REALLY APPRECIATE IF PEOPLE WOULD JUST BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER. I dont mean to get mad at the audience reading this. It's just that this stuff just ends up peeving me. Part of me is glad to "know" but maybe I shouldn't know and shouldn't care and just keep going as if nothing is different. Honestly this kinda thing just keeps happenning adn I feel like somehow its my fault. I realize that sometimes I wouldn't want to talk to someone very often and I'll keep some distance and it might be easier to just have the person know you're not there then say "i can't talk right now" cuz it's less rude or something. I don't know. I liked my invisibility features on ICQ. Eventually my list was the 10 people I talked to on see me invis and I hardly ever went onto normal mode. MSN is a completely different ball game. You really do feel upset when someone blocks you.

I guess in this set up world - you can't expect to be freinds with these people so when the guy (he always gets to decide anyways) determines you're not the girl of his dreams, off the list you go. No goodbyes, no nice talking to yous, no good luck in your future endavours, no hope you find that perfect guy. They just disappear off the face of the earth.

Well, theres only one weekend before this randomguy#2 is in town. I wonder whether we'll actually meet. It's really too bad - this was the first one that had no drama attached and now its full of drama that perhaps I caught myself into.

So you can see my frustration...AHHHHHHHH it is!

Blood - It's in you to give!

2005-06-29T22:32:00.000-04:00

Whoever thought of that slogan was smart - it's catchy and makes you think a little bit about what it's trying to say. Today - I feel very differently about it! Note to readers: this has nothing to do wth being Muslim or finding the one. I just need to vent. So blood - it's not in you to GIVE AWAY! It's INSIDE OF YOU to help you LIVE! I had a doctor's appointment today. She couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong with me so she decided to do every blood work possible. I told her I"m not "good with blood work". I'm not sure she understood what I meant. I meant - I almost always feel sick afterwards, faint and dizzy and on occasion I loose conciousness. Perhaps I did not make that 100% clear. Well she did tell me to ask the Lab to cut my bloodwork in half and do it in two visits. When I reached the Lab, I politely told the girl at the front desk that my doctor advised I only do half the bloodwork today and come back for the rest. She wouldn't hear of it. "What's the point she said? You'll have to come back again another time! It's not that much blood she said" I couldnt' help thinking god, how am I going to come back on a weekday (these places are open 9-4 or 9-5, conveniently I work 8-4 so it'd be impossible to come back without taking more time off of work - to begin with - i thought I was only stepping out of the office for an extra half hour during my normal lunch break). So I persued it further saying that I can't get that much blood taken at once. The doctor said it would be like 8-9 vials. "It will be the same thing next time she said. You can donate about 12 so don't worry about it. Plus we don't know which tests to do know and which to do later. Your doctor should have indicated it on the requistion." I said it doesnt' matter - just split em up. she said " Alright, if you're sure about it". Perhaps I didn't represent my case in the right light. I think she thought I didn't like needles and that by splitting it up I would have less on one day? I'm not ignorant to how bloodwork is taken. They put ONE needle into you and continuously fill vials and remove them and fill the next one. I can't watch the action because it makes me feel limp. I knew very early on that Healthcare was not a field for me. So I"m sitting in teh waiting room - anxious to get out of there and back to work. I was supposed to be in at 1:30ish and it was already 1:25 by this time. So the front desk lady calls me up to the front (everyone else was called to a cubicle in the back). She says " I've adjusted your tests so it's 6 vials. Can you handle that? It'll be much better then coming back again another day". I paused and thought about the hassle of coming back. I wanted all my results ready for my next appointment with the doctor. Canada day was coming up - another delay - plus when would I take time off work again? Plus I vaguely remember taking 6 vials the last time I had bloodwork done (that was about two years back and I can't remember feeling terrible). So I reluctantly said - Yes.

So fastfoward to the "cubicle". I kndly informed the nurse or whatever she was that I don't' take well to blood being taken. I divulged my fainting or feel like fainting secrets to her. She said "Let me know if you feel diszzy or faint or anything like that" I said - does now count when I'm just thinking about having the blood taken? She good naturedly chuckled, told me to look away and started her work. I actually prefer when they talk to you to take your mind off of it. It seems silly but I appreciate the effort. So the 6 vials of flod were taken and I sat in the chair like the little engine that could. I kept repeating to myself "I feel perfectly fine. I will not feel dizzy I will not get weak. I"m fine. In a few minutes I'll be just like new". A few minutes/ seconds (who keeps track of these things anyways) passed and I heard myself telling the nurse thatI feel dizzy now. Thats the last thing I remember - I know she responded but I can't remember what said. I woke up with a start. I heard my name being called and I struggled to open my eyes. There were three people staring at me. The front desk girl, some guy who worked there and I recall seeing walking about while I was waiting and the nurse - whose arm I was tightly grasping.

I've had too many of these incidents to ignore. I KNOW now that I can't have bloodwork marathons done on my system. I know what else triggers incidents like this - dehydration or lack of air circulation, I've fainted while at mosque in a crowded overheated confined space without any personal space. I've felt like fainting when I really needed a tea after breaking a fast but had a thick ice cream cone instead. There was one time when I was exposed to a bad chemcial and wearing the wrong type of protective gear. The time I fell while rollerblading and felt weak and dizzy everytime I tried to get up and once while driving with a severe migraine I could only stay alert by stuffing my mouth with sugar and (even though it was -30degrees C outside, popping my head out of the window while blasting the car heaters to keep me warm.
So there you have it. I have contemplated it and it's always heat & exhuasation and dehydration. Or blood or toxic chemical. I forgot our highschool visit to the local hospital where many of us felt sick from the formaldehyde (except I was the only one that actually needed medical attention).

Anyways. My point is this. Blood is NOT in ME to GIVE. I'd love to be a blood donor. I honestly would. But I can hardly handle some simple bloodwork. I HOPE they FIND SOMETHING. Anything at all to make it all worthwhile.

I ended up staying at the lab and lying down / sitting / sleeping for almost an hour. I did not make it back to work in the afternoon and I had to call work and tell them what happenend. This after telling my boss this morning that "I'm feeling fine" (I hadn't seen him in over a week, nor informed him of my appointment today - next time I definately will!).

Hope this story was a learning for you all. All I can say is - thankfully it's over and I'm starting to feel better. I'm not a 100% but I hope to be by tommorrow morning.

Goodnight!

Settling - phase1

2005-06-26T13:29:00.000-04:00

Today I am thinking about the settling. No - there isn't someone out there to settle for. And don't worry, I don't think I'm the type to just jump in and go for it - although part of me wishes I was - I keep thinking life would be much easier that way! I'm just thinking about the concept of settling. I think almost anyone knows what I mean by the term, although we don't all see it with the same potency or negativity.

So what's it all about? In my mind I have all these qualities I'm looking for in a spouse. I can't convince myself that I'm picky but I think most would consider me to be that way. Perhaps they just don't understand the need, importance and desire to marry someone who belongs to their religious community. This one aspect limits my potential matches astronomically. You would think it's not such a big deal or limiting factor but I assure you that it is. It's simply that on a given day you meet/bump into or exchange dialogue with a bunch of people. Unless you're actually at mosuqe or a social event comprising of people from your community, 97 times out of 100 they're not going to be Muslim. Out of those 3.... well you get that it could be women, children, elders, married people etc. etc.

Anyways, I'm side tracking... my quest today is not to talk about the lack of marriagible people. It's about the errrm....less appealing attributes to some of the boys I have come into contact with.

I'm not a crazy religious muslim but I aspire to be a better one eveyrday. I don't wear a hijab and I can't actually imagine myself doing so. Ok, I know it's an important aspect....I have friends that do so. Something about wearing one doesn't appeal to me and I truly believe you have to be solid in your belief and conviction to wear it right. I would not like to be someone who wears it one day and takes it off the next. At this point I probably shouldn't tell you that I love wearing tank tops in the summer but I do. It's just comfortable and I feel like myself. Anywhos, I'm getting distracted again.

I don't drink or smoke. I have never tried it and I have absolutely no desire to intoxicate my body with these substances. For me, this resolve has been above and beyond the religious guidelines forbidding it.

Dialogue with an Aunty

2005-06-11T16:56:00.000-04:00

Todays Goal: Provide background information
Current Thought: It's funny how things change - i'll have to write another blog about how perspectives change at these events
Optimism: It's the weekend! YEAH!

So we have these youth conferences. Really they're just about girls meeting boys and boys meeting girls. They even do speed-dating in the modern version of these (yes we have become modern in the last 5 years!). I remember the first time I went to one of these it was in Toronto over a long weekend. It could have been a lot of fun - I suppose - if you didn't have so many Aunties coming to ask you if you found a boy you liked.

This is how the conversation went (remember to add an Indian accent and read it in your native tongue whatever language you speak!)

Aunty: Hello dear – how are you enjoying yourself at this function?
You: Fine Aunty, you and the other organizers planned this very well.
Aunty: That’s nice dear, so….have you met anyone who you like yet?
Aunty (to herself): I hope she’s found her husband amongst these wonderful boys
You: No Aunty, I have not
Aunty: You know dear daughter, we are here to help you and that everything you tell me is in strict confidence right?
You: Yes Aunty, of course I know that!
You (to yourself): I don’t trust Aunty A or B or any aunties for that matter. Not that I have anything to trust them with.
Aunty: Please daughter, let me know if I can help in anyway. Don’t you think that boy over there is cute? He’s a doctor you know!
You: No aunty…I’m just here to have some fun
You (to yourself): Why do aunties always play the doctor card? He’s not even a doctor, he’s just majoring in Biology and calling himself pre-med!
Aunty: Dear, remember that this is an important event – meeting your partner should be a priority
You: Yes Aunty..I will talk to more people…thanks Aunty
Aunty: Remember daughter; I am here to help you. Here is my cell number you can call me whenever you want.
You: (to yourself) These gatherings are just about the popular hot guy and the pretty bubbly outgoing girl hooking up! And obviously every guy wants to hook up with her too! Then there is the cool kids that form a clique and you end up feeling like a wallflower the wholetime. Thank god I have some friends to hang out with. I’m never going to meet anyone at these functions.
You (smiling to yourself): Thank god I’m not old and desperate!!! I have plenty of time to worry about this later! Ooops I better not let Aunty see me smile, she might think I’ve found someone I like! Ooh there comes the hot dude – I don’t get what everyone sees in him!

Well thats the typical story at these things. I had one more funny and insightful thing to share..a story I had typed up here and lost when my window decided it wasn't responding anymore. I'll have to share it another time! Keep tuned!

Fighting the dark side

2005-06-11T10:58:00.000-04:00

Optimism: It wasn't love at first sight!
Current Mood: Jealous

So this guy that I sorta-kinda liked is meeting some other chick today. Our communication since our first meeting has been kind of varied. Part of me knows that he sorta-kinda liked me too. But - in situations like this there is always a BUT in the way of everything! He lives in the US and can't cross the border. So the only way we can meet is if I go there. Which actually isn't really the problem. The problem is communication. Like I got an invitation but I also knew that he was talking to some other girl and thats why I hadn't heard back from him. And then we got in touch again only for more longer periods of non-communication......so in my head I have developed this person to be really great......based on nothing in particular and soley weighted with the good stuff.
So the thought of me making a special trip down there... it just seems pointless...like I'm going to scar myself emotionally one more time when I know he's moved on.... My logical brain is much btter at preventing me from being stupid. But somewhere my heart keeps saying...go for it....all you have to lose is your pride (and mmhmm dignity and self-respect and err don't for a second forget the increased emotional scarring says the logical brain once more).

So why am I still thinking about it? I've analyed this to pieces - every step of the way. I think part of me is intrigued because this is one of the very few people I've ever met that I've liked. At first, I just thought of him as a friend - there was no physical attraction but we hung out one day and as I was returning home and was bymyself I couldn't help thinking about how fun it was and how nice it felt to be around someone I'm comfortable with. So perhaps it was more the idea of someone rather then actually being him. But I guess it's one of those things I'll never know.

I really wish him to be happy and I hope that his quest is more sucessful then mine but a little part of me really hopes that it is misreable (atleast this time). Thats the jealous girl that needs to grow up and be happy for people despite her own feelings of mischance. I hope - I can learn to squash that jealousy out of my system and fast....besides jealousness is a trait of the dark side of the force.

Misake #1

2005-06-01T23:02:00.000-04:00

Optimism: Flowers are blooming!
Current Mood: Emotional

Hello fellow muslims, girls or anyone else curious enough to read my blog today.

I come from a relatively small community. We try to marry from within. I guess I'm trying to stick to that expectation for several reasons. Most of which I find extremely difficult to explain mostly because it just seems obvious. Let me try anyways. It'll be easier. For the kids. Well atleast that is the idea. Most kids don't want to have anything to do with religion by the time they become teenagers. Maybe we do it for the parents. That makes more sense to me. We do it for ourselves to make our lives easier and in doing so we make our lives more difficult.

I know people who have married "out" who are perfectly happy and I know people who have married "in" who are perfectly miserable. I also know of just the opposite. So where does that leave me in this great debate? I'm going to try to make my future life easier by struggling now. Am I really struggling? Well chances are I'm not meeting any Mr. Perfects (muslim or not, the "right type" of muslim or not) so I don't have to worry about the details!

That brings me to state this: A couple months back, I didn't care too much about this marriage/relationship stuff. Sure, I wanted to get married sometime in the future. I knew I was expired already at the big 2-5. It just wasn't a big deal. People all around me where getting engaged and I was happy for them. But it didn't have to be me. I was happy as can be. Enjoying my single self - every so often thinking it would be nice to meet someone but it wasn't a focal point nor a sore point at that.

I'm not sure what triggered the change of heart. Perhaps it was the fact that I wasn't working crazy overtime at my job - so I suddenly had a lot more free time on my hands. Or maybe it was the spring weather that brought all the happy couples outdoors and into my line of vision. Or the wedding invitations that my parents started getting in the mail every couple of days.

Unfortunately, or as my mother would see it as fortunately, something in my little head said "you better start looking". As I see it - That was mistake #1. It has opened up a can of worms I'm not sure I'm ready for or prepared to deal with at the moment.

Meet "ME"

2005-05-31T21:00:00.000-04:00

Canadian Born Muslim Girl (hereon in referred to as "CBMG")
Optimism: Perhaps I'll be happier tommorrow?
Current Mood: Heartache
Other important facts: I'm not a terrorist!

Meet "ME"
I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I'm well balanced. I went away to universtity. I've lived on my own (or atleast with an assortment of others). I work. I'm active. I love to do stuff. I want to travel more! I like my family (well sort-of), don't worry I will share more on that too! I like to be anonymous. It's just easier to share my true feelings that way. I guess I should get started. I had all these great headlines for my first post but in the midst of signing up for this blogspot and creating an email address for it ... I kind of got distracted. I just read this paragraph overagain. I promise to stop using "I" so much in the future!