Starting over..

Current Mood: Contemplating Open Heart Wounds

If you recall from previous posts, this past year (rolling year I suppose, one that started in March and ended in February) has had two - I wouldn't say life altering - but life tasting moments.

The first of which happenned in late March when I met someone through the youth gatherings I've attended in the states. Lets just say he's engaged now. Lets add that it's someone I know and that they're probably going to live in Canada now. Just great. Their wedding is approaching too. He was the type of person who after spending some time with (definitely not an immediate reaction) I realized that I liked - that I could be comfortable with and felt natural - like myself around him - well part of the time anyways. There was something in the air that night - whether it was chemistry or lack of sleep I guess I'll never know.

Second one was someone whom I've never met. Why was it so life tasting? I dunno. I've having trouble explaining that to anyone privy of the situation. I actually shared this experience with some people. I dunno. I felt really good about it but I also felt really crummy about it in many ways. He was someone with I could just express a lot of thoughts. It's usually not that easy for me - to write full page emails to one person day after day and not run out of things to say. The same goes for the two conversations we had. Incredible. I had fun. I wasn't bored - sure there were brief moments but they just came back. I laughed. I enjoyed it. We shared common interests: swimming was a big one - someone who enjoys it like I do - maybe even more so! Sense of humour, taste in movies. I remember one part of a conversation we had, about language when I was still refusing to say anything in Gujrati. I was concerned that it would be a problem and I was saying how I want to learn so 'blah blah' and he interrupts me and with a confident tone says "It's not a problem" (or was it "It won't be a problem") anyways, it was like he was so sure of himself and of how he wouldn't let that effect his parents view of me. I dunno. I just felt really good. Like I was in strong arms. I really liked that feeling. God..I really felt good. Special. Loved even. Well. The long story short, he's out of the picture. I'm not entirely sure why. I'm not sure if I'll ever hear what became of him, or whether he'll decide to come here and marry another person I know! He walked away for reasons I will never understand. All I know is that it may have had to do with a photo I sent of myself in non-flattering clothing and the fact that we were the same age (which only became an issue late in the game). Something about not wanting children till 33 or at all. I know I am better off without. I know that somewhere deep in my soul. But it trickles out every so often. My feelings. I know I need to avoid the rollercoasters, they can't be good for you long term. And that was full of them. I think I will always wonder about this situation, healthy or not because it is so intriguing. My feelings went so far - yet I had never met the person. Never been there or done that before. There were other things too that I liked: the accent (huge plus), religious values were on par, family seemed pretty in, no drinking, no smoking, no drugs, seemed to have high ambitions in life. All great things.

I dunno. I have met people with similar attributes and thought nothing of them. There was a comfort level here, with both these individuals that was different. Set them apart. Something Unique. I can't put my finger on. Thats what I'm going for here. I need to find that. When and where I don't know if I ever will -- to match those features and still pass the stronger tests that I have for them. I hope so anyways.

Well the main thing I hope for this year is that I can start over. Start fresh. Not let any of my setbacks from the past haunt me. I hope I can. I hope I can let my heart feel without blocking it off once more. I know now more then ever (after opening it up twice in one short year) that it's hard to let em in and even harder to let em go.

Long enough for a serious post. Hope you'll have some comments. Starting to think no one reads this blog.