Heart and Head so different

Mood: Daydreamingly unproductive.

You know when your heart is stuck miles behind your current stage in life and the more you ask it to catch up with the rest of you - the more it refuses. Thats exactly how I feel at this moment in particular.

Part of me did something to spark something again to challenge a reply, to challenge a thought - and it worked so eloquently well that it disappoints me further. It's like I put myself out there asking to be hurt. Asking for awknowledgement when in reality my brain knows it's unnecessary. So why do I do it?

A question to all you readers (and I'm guessing I have none, I'm going to have to figure out how to get my blog noticed actually. I think it'd be much interesting to have some anonymous readers, still not ready for people who actually know me to be reading all these deeply personal thoughts). Ok, back to the question: Are men really that superficial? Is looks and weight and body type at the forefront of their "mind" when it comes to who they find attractive? Should I hold it against them when that criteria plays so largely into their scheme of things that I am rejected on such a point? And should I be happy I'm rid of that situation or will it occur with every man out there? Will I constantly have to think about my figure and will I be less loved if it doesn't fit some unknown ideal?

I know women have the same reluctance to accept a man whos' shorter then they like, or one with a belly or baldness or whatever it might be. But I believe at some level women get over these things and realize it's the person with all there qualities that makes the man, not just physical appearance. I know I have my own reservations, even with this particular boy in question - but something tells me that the comfort level is far more important then the physical aspect. It has to meet a level of acceptability but does not need to reach the ideals by any comparison. I dunno. Maybe I'm just as superficial and haven't been faced with having to make that call.

All I know is - there was something I genuinely felt right about this situation, one that was taken away so swiftly that I haven't stopped looking back to see if theres any hope of return.

If only my heart could let it go - and let my mind take over and lead me to new fresh ideas. I still think I need to meet this person, somewhere, somehow to get it out of my system. I'd like it to crash and burn and to rid me of this constant upheaval. What if's plague me, sending constant messages from heart to head.

I feel like I can't genuinely give thought to new potentials, my comparative brain reaching back to a combination of three. Only one was real. I miss that one the most but the other two had elements of what I really am looking for. I have to start fresh, I have to somehow cleanse my heart of these obstacles that plague me during the long summer days and the cold winter nights.

Well, I don't want to leave this post on a down note, I guess I can say, I'm trying some new things and we'll see how that goes.

take care, hope to hear some comments soon!