Being a CBMG can be really trying at times. Everyone is always on your case about why you're not getting married but no one sits there and thinks ..... "maybe I should set her up with my nephew who lives in the states" or "my cousin could be a good match for her". Somehow - I don't know what it is about my personality but I'm someone people never suggest. Ok, thats not true....it's happenned a couple of times, but the shear volume of people some of my friends meet is always shocking to realize for me. Are there really that many boys out there? My friend tells me not to worry - that most of those weren't worth the 2$ at tim hortens they spent. But maybe that is my problem. I just need to meet loads of men and then suddenly be in front of one that doesn't need to ignore me the next time we see each other.
A lot of the time I feel like it's really unfair the world we live in. More and more the responsibility of relationship building is resting on the woman's shoulders. I have been told by MANY WOMEN that WE have to do all the work becuase men are lazy and they won't do it. BUT you try initiating conversation with men and it almost always backfires in your face. You end up being aggressive or needy or clinging all very negative traits. You're never seen as just showing interest.
A non-muslim friend of mine is trying to convince me to use Lavalife. A friend of his found a girlfriend within 24hrs on the site. And yes..a girlfriend, someone he's been dating for over 4 months - which is insane! I keep telling my friend that lavalife is not a place for someone like me. He's like - atleast you're meeting people who live in your vicinity (my internet boy search expands pretty much the entire world, the closest person living a 4 hr flight away). So sometimes I think, maybe I should check this out. But then I realize that finding the person you want to be with for the rest of your life shouldn't be something you take lightly. It is an important decision and life altering moment - it just shouldn't be so filled with emotional trauma.
So friends out there. I hope you have some advice for me. I'm starting to want to go to another one of those youth conferences - even though they do nothing for me!
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Ahhh!
There are so many stories on this adventure that I would like to share but the time and effort it takes to right it all out and the lack of editing - allows me to go on tangents and never actually get to the real story I want to tell. So I might not have given background on this one. If I start to just now, you'll never get to hear what the "Ahhh!" is all about!
I have a couple of email addresses used for a bunch of different things. We all do in this day and age....I mean - come on they are free and act as live storage (accessible pretty much anywhere). And theres all those different wants to chat and keep in touch with people. So I have two msn email addresses. One that I was 'trying' to use for all the potential boys that come around. The only problem is....when I first started this...I thought I'd do that for privacy sake.....then I realized it was too complicated because I didn't want to keep switching between two users all the time. So at that time, I added the couple of boys to my regular msn. Let me just say it's a very smart but very stupid thing to do. And this is why. Boys are dumb or forgetful or a combination of this.
Random boy #1 could not keep track of me as it was.and finally decided to block me - but only from one email address. So does that mean he's screened one persona of me out but not the other? It's something I totally don't understand. A friend told me that maybe it was just the case of - why do I have this person twice? delete from one.
I didn't buy it at the time - but as I have said I'm paranoid and over analyze everything. So since then I've been vary of contacting him first - but I also go online to the email that isn't blocked more often knowing that he'll be "on".
So lets fast forward. I know I'm going to get myself in trouble for this because my story will ring too true for some and maybe even the anonymous people I'm talking about will figure it out. Please if you are reading this and recognize yourself - be confident that none of my friends know any of these storie and that the people and myself will always remain confidential! Appreciate the writing I do because we can all learn from it.
Fast forward to Random Guy #2
Random guy #2 lets me know on msnFindAGuy that he'll be around and that we should meet up in a coule of weeks. We also discuss some beliefs that apparently we didnt' see eye to eye on before - but kinda do right now. So I'm kewl with it. Thinking - ya this might not be a bad idea at all.
THEN. I pop onto msnMyUsual to check to see if some friends are online..they're not (but he is) so I move onto msnFindAGuy where I talked to him the night before and BOOM - he's no where to be seen. I'm like ok......what's happening here? So just out of curiousity (people can sign out at any time) I go back.and there he is again online.
So now - the question I beg you is this? What happenned in the last 24 hours or in the time that we were chatting that changed my status? And knowing that it has changed - what do I do? I can not think there is some kind of fluke in the system - all signs point to a purpose block out. Its possible that he didn't want to talk right now so he blocked me the way "invis" used to do on ICQ (god i loved the privacy features on that program) but this is driving me up the wall. It keeps happenning.
Like why do people feel like they have to avoid someone out of their life ? Am I a nuisance or something? I just don't get it. I would REALLY REALLY APPRECIATE IF PEOPLE WOULD JUST BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER. I dont mean to get mad at the audience reading this. It's just that this stuff just ends up peeving me. Part of me is glad to "know" but maybe I shouldn't know and shouldn't care and just keep going as if nothing is different. Honestly this kinda thing just keeps happenning adn I feel like somehow its my fault. I realize that sometimes I wouldn't want to talk to someone very often and I'll keep some distance and it might be easier to just have the person know you're not there then say "i can't talk right now" cuz it's less rude or something. I don't know. I liked my invisibility features on ICQ. Eventually my list was the 10 people I talked to on see me invis and I hardly ever went onto normal mode. MSN is a completely different ball game. You really do feel upset when someone blocks you.
I guess in this set up world - you can't expect to be freinds with these people so when the guy (he always gets to decide anyways) determines you're not the girl of his dreams, off the list you go. No goodbyes, no nice talking to yous, no good luck in your future endavours, no hope you find that perfect guy. They just disappear off the face of the earth.
Well, theres only one weekend before this randomguy#2 is in town. I wonder whether we'll actually meet. It's really too bad - this was the first one that had no drama attached and now its full of drama that perhaps I caught myself into.
So you can see my frustration...AHHHHHHHH it is!
I have a couple of email addresses used for a bunch of different things. We all do in this day and age....I mean - come on they are free and act as live storage (accessible pretty much anywhere). And theres all those different wants to chat and keep in touch with people. So I have two msn email addresses. One that I was 'trying' to use for all the potential boys that come around. The only problem is....when I first started this...I thought I'd do that for privacy sake.....then I realized it was too complicated because I didn't want to keep switching between two users all the time. So at that time, I added the couple of boys to my regular msn. Let me just say it's a very smart but very stupid thing to do. And this is why. Boys are dumb or forgetful or a combination of this.
Random boy #1 could not keep track of me as it was.and finally decided to block me - but only from one email address. So does that mean he's screened one persona of me out but not the other? It's something I totally don't understand. A friend told me that maybe it was just the case of - why do I have this person twice? delete from one.
I didn't buy it at the time - but as I have said I'm paranoid and over analyze everything. So since then I've been vary of contacting him first - but I also go online to the email that isn't blocked more often knowing that he'll be "on".
So lets fast forward. I know I'm going to get myself in trouble for this because my story will ring too true for some and maybe even the anonymous people I'm talking about will figure it out. Please if you are reading this and recognize yourself - be confident that none of my friends know any of these storie and that the people and myself will always remain confidential! Appreciate the writing I do because we can all learn from it.
Fast forward to Random Guy #2
Random guy #2 lets me know on msnFindAGuy that he'll be around and that we should meet up in a coule of weeks. We also discuss some beliefs that apparently we didnt' see eye to eye on before - but kinda do right now. So I'm kewl with it. Thinking - ya this might not be a bad idea at all.
THEN. I pop onto msnMyUsual to check to see if some friends are online..they're not (but he is) so I move onto msnFindAGuy where I talked to him the night before and BOOM - he's no where to be seen. I'm like ok......what's happening here? So just out of curiousity (people can sign out at any time) I go back.and there he is again online.
So now - the question I beg you is this? What happenned in the last 24 hours or in the time that we were chatting that changed my status? And knowing that it has changed - what do I do? I can not think there is some kind of fluke in the system - all signs point to a purpose block out. Its possible that he didn't want to talk right now so he blocked me the way "invis" used to do on ICQ (god i loved the privacy features on that program) but this is driving me up the wall. It keeps happenning.
Like why do people feel like they have to avoid someone out of their life ? Am I a nuisance or something? I just don't get it. I would REALLY REALLY APPRECIATE IF PEOPLE WOULD JUST BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER. I dont mean to get mad at the audience reading this. It's just that this stuff just ends up peeving me. Part of me is glad to "know" but maybe I shouldn't know and shouldn't care and just keep going as if nothing is different. Honestly this kinda thing just keeps happenning adn I feel like somehow its my fault. I realize that sometimes I wouldn't want to talk to someone very often and I'll keep some distance and it might be easier to just have the person know you're not there then say "i can't talk right now" cuz it's less rude or something. I don't know. I liked my invisibility features on ICQ. Eventually my list was the 10 people I talked to on see me invis and I hardly ever went onto normal mode. MSN is a completely different ball game. You really do feel upset when someone blocks you.
I guess in this set up world - you can't expect to be freinds with these people so when the guy (he always gets to decide anyways) determines you're not the girl of his dreams, off the list you go. No goodbyes, no nice talking to yous, no good luck in your future endavours, no hope you find that perfect guy. They just disappear off the face of the earth.
Well, theres only one weekend before this randomguy#2 is in town. I wonder whether we'll actually meet. It's really too bad - this was the first one that had no drama attached and now its full of drama that perhaps I caught myself into.
So you can see my frustration...AHHHHHHHH it is!
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