Starting over..

Current Mood: Contemplating Open Heart Wounds

If you recall from previous posts, this past year (rolling year I suppose, one that started in March and ended in February) has had two - I wouldn't say life altering - but life tasting moments.

The first of which happenned in late March when I met someone through the youth gatherings I've attended in the states. Lets just say he's engaged now. Lets add that it's someone I know and that they're probably going to live in Canada now. Just great. Their wedding is approaching too. He was the type of person who after spending some time with (definitely not an immediate reaction) I realized that I liked - that I could be comfortable with and felt natural - like myself around him - well part of the time anyways. There was something in the air that night - whether it was chemistry or lack of sleep I guess I'll never know.

Second one was someone whom I've never met. Why was it so life tasting? I dunno. I've having trouble explaining that to anyone privy of the situation. I actually shared this experience with some people. I dunno. I felt really good about it but I also felt really crummy about it in many ways. He was someone with I could just express a lot of thoughts. It's usually not that easy for me - to write full page emails to one person day after day and not run out of things to say. The same goes for the two conversations we had. Incredible. I had fun. I wasn't bored - sure there were brief moments but they just came back. I laughed. I enjoyed it. We shared common interests: swimming was a big one - someone who enjoys it like I do - maybe even more so! Sense of humour, taste in movies. I remember one part of a conversation we had, about language when I was still refusing to say anything in Gujrati. I was concerned that it would be a problem and I was saying how I want to learn so 'blah blah' and he interrupts me and with a confident tone says "It's not a problem" (or was it "It won't be a problem") anyways, it was like he was so sure of himself and of how he wouldn't let that effect his parents view of me. I dunno. I just felt really good. Like I was in strong arms. I really liked that feeling. God..I really felt good. Special. Loved even. Well. The long story short, he's out of the picture. I'm not entirely sure why. I'm not sure if I'll ever hear what became of him, or whether he'll decide to come here and marry another person I know! He walked away for reasons I will never understand. All I know is that it may have had to do with a photo I sent of myself in non-flattering clothing and the fact that we were the same age (which only became an issue late in the game). Something about not wanting children till 33 or at all. I know I am better off without. I know that somewhere deep in my soul. But it trickles out every so often. My feelings. I know I need to avoid the rollercoasters, they can't be good for you long term. And that was full of them. I think I will always wonder about this situation, healthy or not because it is so intriguing. My feelings went so far - yet I had never met the person. Never been there or done that before. There were other things too that I liked: the accent (huge plus), religious values were on par, family seemed pretty in, no drinking, no smoking, no drugs, seemed to have high ambitions in life. All great things.

I dunno. I have met people with similar attributes and thought nothing of them. There was a comfort level here, with both these individuals that was different. Set them apart. Something Unique. I can't put my finger on. Thats what I'm going for here. I need to find that. When and where I don't know if I ever will -- to match those features and still pass the stronger tests that I have for them. I hope so anyways.

Well the main thing I hope for this year is that I can start over. Start fresh. Not let any of my setbacks from the past haunt me. I hope I can. I hope I can let my heart feel without blocking it off once more. I know now more then ever (after opening it up twice in one short year) that it's hard to let em in and even harder to let em go.

Long enough for a serious post. Hope you'll have some comments. Starting to think no one reads this blog.

Bias?

I'm not sure how long my pause actually lasted or if it began at all. Ohh the long weekend was so nice! And this weekend isn't too packed so it'll be good as well.

You're probably wondering why I haven't spend so much time lamenting the details of my search. I guess - sometimes I think I shouldnt' think so much about it. That when it comes, it'll come and theres nothing I can really do to push and proddle it along. But then - I'm aleady thought about thinking, and also, I know I'm in this scenario trying to meet people on my own too.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a slut. I've gotten to know so many people - albeit for as short a time period as a single 3 liner email. The point is that people do talk. I wonder what they say about me. If they know. Atleast the older generation? Do they know? Are the boys talking amongst themselves? I bet you even in todays modern and high tech world (and the world of online dating) there is a double standard between men and women. So I wonder...should I accept the invitation to talk to multiple guys? Should I take one at a time while I sort through them? What if two are equally as good in terms of their profile? What do I do then?
So many questions! If only I knew the right answers!

Well thats it for this post. Stay tuned.

A pause in the chaos of life

Mood: Can I relax? For Real, or just for a few minutes before it all starts again?

Actually it is just a few minutes, b/c I should really put my clothes in the Laundry before Sunset and then get off to do the things I need to do..

Hectic times for me, I changed jobs over a weekend and now I'm commuting back and forth between the new place and home - I gotta move to my own little place - which will be nice - a little break from being home with the parents! Anywhos...

My last little adventure - poor circumstances caused so much to happen between the ideal moment to meet and the actual one. It was an okay date, you know nothing that makes your heart pound with excitement, you could say it was average - possibly even boring but you know that circumstances may have impacted a great deal on that aspect of it.

The guy is great - or atleast he seems like he is. Considerate, sweet, educated, good looks, dresses well, calls when he says he will - but theres something missing, some spark some excitement - will it come? Is there hope? How do you assess such situations?

Well, perhaps we'll meet again in better circumstances - we'll see what happens then!