I turned on my 'old' computer today. You know the one that sitting there gathering dust while I sit with her with my laptop on my lap. I honestly don't knoww why they get so warm. So anyways, you may be wondering why I turned it on. I'm not exactly sure. Is it to go back to old emails and chats I have saved on there? Is it to just listen to music that feels good in my soul? I'm one of the few people you'll ever know that has never owned a CD (atleast one that I've paid for with my own money). I have to admit I have a total of 2 cd's that my cousin gave me b/c he joined one of those 20 cds for a penny schemes and ordered things he was later embarrassed to have (being a guy and all). He probably doesn't even remeber giving it to me. As a child, growing up in the 80s and 90s, I used to tape all the songs I liked on cassette. Again, I never bought anything, my brother and sister bought me a couple of Madonna singles - never the full tape (wonder why?) and I had my sisters copy of "the Police" which I whole-heartedly loved, while everyone else my age was crazy about Backstreet boys. Can you even believe that back then, I learned the songs listening to friends in school and at the mosque signing then and crushing on Johnny? or was it Joey? I'll never know. I never actually heard them on radio myself. How unbelieveable. I think I started listening to the 'radio' when I started driving at 16. I suppose that's why I don't have a defined musical taste. I think 80% of my taste has to do with what made the top charts of any of the stations I listened to and now most of what I love has nostalgic meaning for me. So is that why I turned my computer on today?
On friday night I got together with a friend of mine and after discussing all sorts of topics, we naturally went back to something relevant to this blog in particular. Why are we still single? She recently broke up with the guy she's been dating for a good while. I still can't believe she did it. I don't think I would have the guts - not at this stage in my life to loose someone I love dearly and who I know loves me. She did it for religion and culture and overall because she couldn't trust him - which are all valid reasons in and of themselves, and when put together explains a lot. Anyways, we were reminiscing on 'potential could have beens' and interestingly enough I saw one of those the very next day.
It was weird seeing him again. I've talked about him before, he's the one that married someone I know. Anyways, he looked so different. I mean, it was the same him - who called my name in the crowd and I could feel myself blush and turn three shades deep red. The whole episode was weird. Talking to him with a friend of mine who probably also had feelings for him - we both met him the same weekend. Anyways. I don't know why I'm sharing all this - there is no point. It just made me jealous of her - the girl who actually got him - how happy she looked and how happy they looked together.
Why can't I have that? What is wrong with me? Why is it that no one is interested in me enough to get that far? I realize that I reject people quickly - but there has been a handful who I would have given a chance had they given the same to me. Am I doing something wrong? Am I saying "take care" to them?? (Apparently that has very negative conatations - learned from another random blog I was reading on the weekend). Am I giving off that "desperate" vibe?? I hope not. Deep down, I just want to share that experience of love. I dont' think I'm asking that much.
What do you think?
(in the background my MP3s are playing "A thousasnd miles" by Vanessa Carlton)
(up next is "What's Love ... got to do with it" by Ashanti) ...hmm that might explain a lot
4 comments:
LOL first of all I used to listen to both of those songs a LOT. I even asked my friend once if he would walk a thousand miles for a random person if he could bring them back from the dead. The person had to be a random stranger that he didn’t know or care about. I said I would.
Ok anyways now to my point. Seriously this is sad but it’s the truth and you need to get a hold of yourself. Confidence comes from how you feel about yourself, and from your blogs it’s pretty clear you have the heart of a desperate girl. Did that come out a bit harsh? No hard feelings, you seem like a great person but you need to stop feeling so sorry for yourself (YOU are soo much better then THAT). Ok ill shut up now before you hate the only person that leaves comments for you.
Stop looking for that someone, and he will come to you inshaALLAH.
one day fate will kick in and you'll meet the guy who is right for you.. until then.. they'll probably all be wrong..so you might as well sit back and enjoy the ride :)
love ur posts. i'm interested to know the 'take care' thing. i do it all the time..hmm..
I have noticed:
when i'm not fully sure about a guy, he runs after me. but as soon as i change my mind and fall for him, he runs away.
i think sometimes its really easy 2 give that desperate vibe. the challange for a guy is gone. Guess we need to use the "hopeful but careful" vibe.
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