fear

Current Mood: scared s-h-i-t-l-e-s-s (no it does not spell what u think it spells!)

I just read my last post and I gotta say - that my resolves didn't last as long as they should have. As I've self diagnosed myself, I might as well share with you my pychosis. I'm paranoid. Perhaps you could tell that I was a little peeved at being jilted from a email correspondence just prior to the X-mas break. At New Years, I had gotten past that and was happy to have myself to me - no more sacrifices to my own daily life (staying up and thinking about a boy or boys or some lady who knows boys) . Well, it didn't last. The boy reappeared. I can't say that I wasn't glad that he did. We actually had two conversations that went quite well after that... until he brought up a subject that made things very weird and awkward. Suddenly what seemed to be going really well - seemed like it was about to hit the trash. I'm not going to share the nitty gritty's - I know I should - thats probably what a blog is all about - but lets just say that our next conversation was pretty sour. Probably more my fault then his - but I was angry (understandably) and despite trying not to show it - I did. Since then, we've exchanged an email each and then he left for a trip to see his parents. I knew he was going to go and I knew he probably wouldn't contact me while he was gone but a small part of me wished that he would...a "hello" email just to show he was thinking about me... or that (god forbid) he missed me? I know it's TOO early for that - but I find myself sitting here feeling that exact way. I'm not sure what it is - I haven't even MET the dude...
So my waiting continues...his return date purposely kept vague so he wouldn't HAVE to write to me immediately after coming back.. I suspect that he'll be back in touch on Wednesday, but if not, maybe not til Friday. I find the waiting incredibly hard. So many thoughts going through my head - what if he's changed his mind and doesn't want to keep in touch and meet me after all? Thats the main one for now atleast.. the others will come in due time (atleast on the blog...if it gets that far). Part of me is paranoid that he'll have found some girl back home.. someone his parents have already picked and primed up to be their new daughter - how can you compete with that??

Well.. yes, I'm paranoid.. but I told you that to start with. Yes - there are more reasons then these to be scared - but these are mine and I can't help but feel them.

Wish me luck..a good part of me really wishes this is going to work out - so do some dua's for me and i'll keep ya posted.