analysis

been a couple days since I last wrote.
i've been thinking over the weekend about what it is I want and why it is that I can't seem to 'let myself' get there.
the thing is that i've only been in one real relationship my whole life. from what I can remember, it was bliss until it ended.
the way we met, the way i fell in love, the way our relationship developed, it all happenned in a blur... a very fast blur.
but that's my reference: that is how a relationship should be - i should feel attracted to him almost immediately - i should want to spend every living minute with him - i should ignore all the flaws that i see and just be happy that i found him.
is that how every relationship starts? is that something that I can count on happenning again? will the emotions be that powerful? that immediate?
sure, I have references from other people, friends, tv, movies, songs, books - they all try and convince me that different relationships develop in different ways. it's not always the same.
and yet - in my realm of experiences, it's only happenned this one way and it was great and i can't seem to let that go
i know it sounds funny - but what i'm trying to say is that i haven't really given any other relationship formulas a chance.
it's complicated to explain but sometimes i think I'm looking for that rather then looking for something that has promise or potential. or maybe i just need to become friends with the guys that i meet rather then trying to size them up in two dates?
i mean - if anything sours the mood of developing a comraderie, it's definitely the fact that you are trying to find out so much about a person in so little time.
factors that may not matter to you in love, take on such importance that they are almost impossible to overlook on a first or recond date
the relationship could be killed well before it had a chance to blossom
so how long is it suppose to take? do i pursue things the 'casual' way? sometimes i define the casual way as a western approach to 'finding a guy' whereas the eastern approach to be more 'direct' and 'short and definitive' you find out if you can a) communicate b) value things in the same way and then that should be enough
the problem is I find both ways important. in the western one, attraction is a big factor, in the eastern one, similar values and compatibility take precedence
which is right? and why can't i have both?

Nostalgia

I turned on my 'old' computer today. You know the one that sitting there gathering dust while I sit with her with my laptop on my lap. I honestly don't knoww why they get so warm. So anyways, you may be wondering why I turned it on. I'm not exactly sure. Is it to go back to old emails and chats I have saved on there? Is it to just listen to music that feels good in my soul? I'm one of the few people you'll ever know that has never owned a CD (atleast one that I've paid for with my own money). I have to admit I have a total of 2 cd's that my cousin gave me b/c he joined one of those 20 cds for a penny schemes and ordered things he was later embarrassed to have (being a guy and all). He probably doesn't even remeber giving it to me. As a child, growing up in the 80s and 90s, I used to tape all the songs I liked on cassette. Again, I never bought anything, my brother and sister bought me a couple of Madonna singles - never the full tape (wonder why?) and I had my sisters copy of "the Police" which I whole-heartedly loved, while everyone else my age was crazy about Backstreet boys. Can you even believe that back then, I learned the songs listening to friends in school and at the mosque signing then and crushing on Johnny? or was it Joey? I'll never know. I never actually heard them on radio myself. How unbelieveable. I think I started listening to the 'radio' when I started driving at 16. I suppose that's why I don't have a defined musical taste. I think 80% of my taste has to do with what made the top charts of any of the stations I listened to and now most of what I love has nostalgic meaning for me. So is that why I turned my computer on today?

On friday night I got together with a friend of mine and after discussing all sorts of topics, we naturally went back to something relevant to this blog in particular. Why are we still single? She recently broke up with the guy she's been dating for a good while. I still can't believe she did it. I don't think I would have the guts - not at this stage in my life to loose someone I love dearly and who I know loves me. She did it for religion and culture and overall because she couldn't trust him - which are all valid reasons in and of themselves, and when put together explains a lot. Anyways, we were reminiscing on 'potential could have beens' and interestingly enough I saw one of those the very next day.

It was weird seeing him again. I've talked about him before, he's the one that married someone I know. Anyways, he looked so different. I mean, it was the same him - who called my name in the crowd and I could feel myself blush and turn three shades deep red. The whole episode was weird. Talking to him with a friend of mine who probably also had feelings for him - we both met him the same weekend. Anyways. I don't know why I'm sharing all this - there is no point. It just made me jealous of her - the girl who actually got him - how happy she looked and how happy they looked together.

Why can't I have that? What is wrong with me? Why is it that no one is interested in me enough to get that far? I realize that I reject people quickly - but there has been a handful who I would have given a chance had they given the same to me. Am I doing something wrong? Am I saying "take care" to them?? (Apparently that has very negative conatations - learned from another random blog I was reading on the weekend). Am I giving off that "desperate" vibe?? I hope not. Deep down, I just want to share that experience of love. I dont' think I'm asking that much.

What do you think?

(in the background my MP3s are playing "A thousasnd miles" by Vanessa Carlton)
(up next is "What's Love ... got to do with it" by Ashanti) ...hmm that might explain a lot

Question for my audience

First off:
For a long time now I've been resisting the invitations I keep getting for joining friendster, HI5, Where are you now? and ofcourse, now more then ever.. Facebook. One of my friends put another perspective on the argument.. what if thats the way you're going to meet someone? Just link yourself to your community groups and there you go - an automatic forum for people to find you. I wonder if it works. See I'm not the socialite type. I will not go out of my way to make new friends or to let old friends find new friends and mix groups of people I know very seperately. It's just not me. I don't even know who I'd add to my list.. cuz I'm not the type to link my acquantances to me. I just find the idea to be something for those popular types. You know the same people who are giggly and bubbly and seem to have everything in common with everyone else? In a lot of ways you could say that I've very private. Hell knows I try not to put any details here on this page that will help someone identify who I really am. At the same time, I have confided to you.. the world wide web, my fears, my frustrations, my inner conflicts and the nuances of such. So if I joined, what would be there? A picture? You mean anyone and anyone could google me and I'd be there to look at and to analyze? I just am not quite comfortable for this leap just yet. Tell me - am I wrong? Should I do it??

unrelated work stuff

Current mood: discomfort

Allow me to rant about work today - just briefly and I promise you it will all come back to my purpose for this blog, just wait you'll see - I do have a one track mind!!

So there's been this *job* up in the air at the company I work at. It's something that I could totally do - but I wasn't sure at first if I was really interested. That was when they wanted me to take the job. A lot has changed since then.. it's been a couple months since then. Now they actually have a *the job* defined and it doesn't sound too bad. Except.. they've already advertised it on Workopolis. Somehow, I'm not the *winning* candidate that I may have been in the first place. Why? Probably because I asked for clarification - because I asked them to think about what they really want and what the function of the job should be. So I lost my *golden* opportunity? Perhaps! My manager still tells me I can apply. How generic does that sound? It actually sounds like I don't have a chance in hell.

The weird thing is that I've been through this before. And I should realize by now that if they aren't completely honest about things - then I really have no chance. Anyways.. the weird part is when I could have had it given to me, I didn't want it and now that it's taken away and it's a challenge to get (Competing with the unknown candidates) I want it.

So you're asking what I'm getting at. I thought this today as I realized that I *MOST* Likely won't get the position - and that maybe - it will give me the push to actually go through a "Search" process. And I'm not talking about work search. I'm talking about the fact that should I finish working around November or preferably later, then I can plan for going on some religious trips and "meet" someone. Hmm.. thats a thought. I mean the plan has always been that I'll have to move when I meet some guy who's right for me. So my thoughts on that always make me think "what they hell is the point of a full-time job then?" I mean, how does one develop their career and their contacts if they just have to pick up and move one day?

Then I always think, I can't let my career suffer for this. I mean, who knows when Mr. Right may come by? And what if he never does? Or what if he does but he is willing to move to where I am?? I would honestly LOVE that. I want to stay where I am. I love it here in Canada. I love it where I am sitting right here right now, and I don't really want to move. In fact, depending on how big the move would be, it may discourage me altogether.

Well, thats my rant. Wish me luck. I will need it. I guess I should start working on my resume, right?