Mood: Want to ring in the new year with a bang!
Thoughts on the new year: Might actually right out some resolutions this year!
Somehow my bitterness is gone and I just want to greet a whole bunch of people with the happiness that a new year should bring. Perhaps it's that feeling of starting fresh and exploring new things. Knowing that I will have start a job search, knowing that my missions haven't been solved the year will come with a lot of stress but with that comes motivation to write stories of my experiences over here!
I'm looking forward to the new wiped slate. It feels like it could be a good thing! And I want to stay positive! And keep it real.
It's a weird balance, to keep it real. On one hand you're not supposed to care if someone stops talking to you for no reason and on the other hand you have to make an effort and act like you do care when you really haven't had a chance to figure out whether you do!
Well thats it. The evening has to start soon enough, good food, maybe see some friends, nothing crazy nothing spectacular but good all the same!
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Monday, December 05, 2005
Too many stresses
Current Mood: Pissed atthe World (oops, you didn't read me say that, I am angered by the world)
Well it's been a while since I've written here. My resolve to do so has been inandated with other things. I'm sorry for that. What can I tell you? There are too many potential people, who are not really potential people at all. They live in foreign lands and they see the world outside my perspective. I don't know what I am going to do and I don't know if what I'm looking for is something that exists or that I'm going to necessarily find. What I do know is that I want to be happy. I want things to work out in a brilliant way. I want to be attracted to the person, I want to think of them as an amazing friend, I want to be so comfortable and easy going and have fun. But I also want them to be part of my religion to believe in it (Islam and Culturalism's) to make it work with my own belief sytems, my parents, my whole exisitance of being. I somehow can't imagine it working any other way. Part of me feels like I shouldn't have to make the sacrifice of moving as well, but it seems that is something inevitable.Is it a pre-requisite that I have to be comfortable with? Is it something I'm just going to have to do without want? Now that I really really think about it, I think, why would I want to do that? Why would I want to leave my family, my friends, everything just to get married to some guy? IS that worth the other pieces of the pie? I'm not sure. Maybe a better sacrifice, is one of the above to stay here?? I'm not sure anymore. I gotta say I'm completely confused. Life is a bunch of sacrifices, I do understand that, but I think people have to work on things and stretch a little both ways. To say that you wouldn't even consider coming here, like it's a prerequisite to stay there, I dunno, that makes me a little uncomfortable. It means that you're probably inflexible. Well. I don't know. So I won't bother speculating others, I need to look into myself and determine what sacrifices I'm willing to take and what sacrifices I'm not. It seems that we as WOMEN, always need to make the bigger ones. It seems unfair, but I guess I gotta live with it or just screw the whole things altogether.
I'm sorry I can't write more in this post. But the good news is that we'll be getting another computer very soon. The new system, should be better, faster, nicer to use and well, I'm quite excited! And I can probably start to use chat!!Well goodnight for now. Wish me luck on my other endavours and ofcourse thinking this through. I have a lot more to say, don't worry!
Well it's been a while since I've written here. My resolve to do so has been inandated with other things. I'm sorry for that. What can I tell you? There are too many potential people, who are not really potential people at all. They live in foreign lands and they see the world outside my perspective. I don't know what I am going to do and I don't know if what I'm looking for is something that exists or that I'm going to necessarily find. What I do know is that I want to be happy. I want things to work out in a brilliant way. I want to be attracted to the person, I want to think of them as an amazing friend, I want to be so comfortable and easy going and have fun. But I also want them to be part of my religion to believe in it (Islam and Culturalism's) to make it work with my own belief sytems, my parents, my whole exisitance of being. I somehow can't imagine it working any other way. Part of me feels like I shouldn't have to make the sacrifice of moving as well, but it seems that is something inevitable.Is it a pre-requisite that I have to be comfortable with? Is it something I'm just going to have to do without want? Now that I really really think about it, I think, why would I want to do that? Why would I want to leave my family, my friends, everything just to get married to some guy? IS that worth the other pieces of the pie? I'm not sure. Maybe a better sacrifice, is one of the above to stay here?? I'm not sure anymore. I gotta say I'm completely confused. Life is a bunch of sacrifices, I do understand that, but I think people have to work on things and stretch a little both ways. To say that you wouldn't even consider coming here, like it's a prerequisite to stay there, I dunno, that makes me a little uncomfortable. It means that you're probably inflexible. Well. I don't know. So I won't bother speculating others, I need to look into myself and determine what sacrifices I'm willing to take and what sacrifices I'm not. It seems that we as WOMEN, always need to make the bigger ones. It seems unfair, but I guess I gotta live with it or just screw the whole things altogether.
I'm sorry I can't write more in this post. But the good news is that we'll be getting another computer very soon. The new system, should be better, faster, nicer to use and well, I'm quite excited! And I can probably start to use chat!!Well goodnight for now. Wish me luck on my other endavours and ofcourse thinking this through. I have a lot more to say, don't worry!
Too many stresses
Current Mood: Pissed atthe World (oops, you didn't read me say that, I am angered by the world)
Well it's been a while since I've written here. My resolve to do so has been inandated with other things. I'm sorry for that. What can I tell you? There are too many potential people, who are not really potential people at all. They live in foreign lands and they see the world outside my perspective. I don't know what I am going to do and I don't know if what I'm looking for is something that exists or that I'm going to necessarily find. What I do know is that I want to be happy. I want things to work out in a brilliant way. I want to be attracted to the person, I want to think of them as an amazing friend, I want to be so comfortable and easy going and have fun. But I also want them to be part of my religion to believe in it (Islam and Culturalism's) to make it work with my own belief sytems, my parents, my whole exisitance of being. I somehow can't imagine it working any other way. Part of me feels like I shouldn't have to make the sacrifice of moving as well, but it seems that is something inevitable.Is it a pre-requisite that I have to be comfortable with? Is it something I'm just going to have to do without want? Now that I really really think about it, I think, why would I want to do that? Why would I want to leave my family, my friends, everything just to get married to some guy? IS that worth the other pieces of the pie? I'm not sure. Maybe a better sacrifice, is one of the above to stay here?? I'm not sure anymore. I gotta say I'm completely confused. Life is a bunch of sacrifices, I do understand that, but I think people have to work on things and stretch a little both ways. To say that you wouldn't even consider coming here, like it's a prerequisite to stay there, I dunno, that makes me a little uncomfortable. It means that you're probably inflexible. Well. I don't know. So I won't bother speculating others, I need to look into myself and determine what sacrifices I'm willing to take and what sacrifices I'm not. It seems that we as WOMEN, always need to make the bigger ones. It seems unfair, but I guess I gotta live with it or just screw the whole things altogether.
I'm sorry I can't write more in this post. But the good news is that we'll be getting another computer very soon. The new system, should be better, faster, nicer to use and well, I'm quite excited! And I can probably start to use chat!!Well goodnight for now. Wish me luck on my other endavours and ofcourse thinking this through. I have a lot more to say, don't worry!
Well it's been a while since I've written here. My resolve to do so has been inandated with other things. I'm sorry for that. What can I tell you? There are too many potential people, who are not really potential people at all. They live in foreign lands and they see the world outside my perspective. I don't know what I am going to do and I don't know if what I'm looking for is something that exists or that I'm going to necessarily find. What I do know is that I want to be happy. I want things to work out in a brilliant way. I want to be attracted to the person, I want to think of them as an amazing friend, I want to be so comfortable and easy going and have fun. But I also want them to be part of my religion to believe in it (Islam and Culturalism's) to make it work with my own belief sytems, my parents, my whole exisitance of being. I somehow can't imagine it working any other way. Part of me feels like I shouldn't have to make the sacrifice of moving as well, but it seems that is something inevitable.Is it a pre-requisite that I have to be comfortable with? Is it something I'm just going to have to do without want? Now that I really really think about it, I think, why would I want to do that? Why would I want to leave my family, my friends, everything just to get married to some guy? IS that worth the other pieces of the pie? I'm not sure. Maybe a better sacrifice, is one of the above to stay here?? I'm not sure anymore. I gotta say I'm completely confused. Life is a bunch of sacrifices, I do understand that, but I think people have to work on things and stretch a little both ways. To say that you wouldn't even consider coming here, like it's a prerequisite to stay there, I dunno, that makes me a little uncomfortable. It means that you're probably inflexible. Well. I don't know. So I won't bother speculating others, I need to look into myself and determine what sacrifices I'm willing to take and what sacrifices I'm not. It seems that we as WOMEN, always need to make the bigger ones. It seems unfair, but I guess I gotta live with it or just screw the whole things altogether.
I'm sorry I can't write more in this post. But the good news is that we'll be getting another computer very soon. The new system, should be better, faster, nicer to use and well, I'm quite excited! And I can probably start to use chat!!Well goodnight for now. Wish me luck on my other endavours and ofcourse thinking this through. I have a lot more to say, don't worry!
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Sick of it!
Being a CBMG can be really trying at times. Everyone is always on your case about why you're not getting married but no one sits there and thinks ..... "maybe I should set her up with my nephew who lives in the states" or "my cousin could be a good match for her". Somehow - I don't know what it is about my personality but I'm someone people never suggest. Ok, thats not true....it's happenned a couple of times, but the shear volume of people some of my friends meet is always shocking to realize for me. Are there really that many boys out there? My friend tells me not to worry - that most of those weren't worth the 2$ at tim hortens they spent. But maybe that is my problem. I just need to meet loads of men and then suddenly be in front of one that doesn't need to ignore me the next time we see each other.
A lot of the time I feel like it's really unfair the world we live in. More and more the responsibility of relationship building is resting on the woman's shoulders. I have been told by MANY WOMEN that WE have to do all the work becuase men are lazy and they won't do it. BUT you try initiating conversation with men and it almost always backfires in your face. You end up being aggressive or needy or clinging all very negative traits. You're never seen as just showing interest.
A non-muslim friend of mine is trying to convince me to use Lavalife. A friend of his found a girlfriend within 24hrs on the site. And yes..a girlfriend, someone he's been dating for over 4 months - which is insane! I keep telling my friend that lavalife is not a place for someone like me. He's like - atleast you're meeting people who live in your vicinity (my internet boy search expands pretty much the entire world, the closest person living a 4 hr flight away). So sometimes I think, maybe I should check this out. But then I realize that finding the person you want to be with for the rest of your life shouldn't be something you take lightly. It is an important decision and life altering moment - it just shouldn't be so filled with emotional trauma.
So friends out there. I hope you have some advice for me. I'm starting to want to go to another one of those youth conferences - even though they do nothing for me!
A lot of the time I feel like it's really unfair the world we live in. More and more the responsibility of relationship building is resting on the woman's shoulders. I have been told by MANY WOMEN that WE have to do all the work becuase men are lazy and they won't do it. BUT you try initiating conversation with men and it almost always backfires in your face. You end up being aggressive or needy or clinging all very negative traits. You're never seen as just showing interest.
A non-muslim friend of mine is trying to convince me to use Lavalife. A friend of his found a girlfriend within 24hrs on the site. And yes..a girlfriend, someone he's been dating for over 4 months - which is insane! I keep telling my friend that lavalife is not a place for someone like me. He's like - atleast you're meeting people who live in your vicinity (my internet boy search expands pretty much the entire world, the closest person living a 4 hr flight away). So sometimes I think, maybe I should check this out. But then I realize that finding the person you want to be with for the rest of your life shouldn't be something you take lightly. It is an important decision and life altering moment - it just shouldn't be so filled with emotional trauma.
So friends out there. I hope you have some advice for me. I'm starting to want to go to another one of those youth conferences - even though they do nothing for me!
Ahhh!
There are so many stories on this adventure that I would like to share but the time and effort it takes to right it all out and the lack of editing - allows me to go on tangents and never actually get to the real story I want to tell. So I might not have given background on this one. If I start to just now, you'll never get to hear what the "Ahhh!" is all about!
I have a couple of email addresses used for a bunch of different things. We all do in this day and age....I mean - come on they are free and act as live storage (accessible pretty much anywhere). And theres all those different wants to chat and keep in touch with people. So I have two msn email addresses. One that I was 'trying' to use for all the potential boys that come around. The only problem is....when I first started this...I thought I'd do that for privacy sake.....then I realized it was too complicated because I didn't want to keep switching between two users all the time. So at that time, I added the couple of boys to my regular msn. Let me just say it's a very smart but very stupid thing to do. And this is why. Boys are dumb or forgetful or a combination of this.
Random boy #1 could not keep track of me as it was.and finally decided to block me - but only from one email address. So does that mean he's screened one persona of me out but not the other? It's something I totally don't understand. A friend told me that maybe it was just the case of - why do I have this person twice? delete from one.
I didn't buy it at the time - but as I have said I'm paranoid and over analyze everything. So since then I've been vary of contacting him first - but I also go online to the email that isn't blocked more often knowing that he'll be "on".
So lets fast forward. I know I'm going to get myself in trouble for this because my story will ring too true for some and maybe even the anonymous people I'm talking about will figure it out. Please if you are reading this and recognize yourself - be confident that none of my friends know any of these storie and that the people and myself will always remain confidential! Appreciate the writing I do because we can all learn from it.
Fast forward to Random Guy #2
Random guy #2 lets me know on msnFindAGuy that he'll be around and that we should meet up in a coule of weeks. We also discuss some beliefs that apparently we didnt' see eye to eye on before - but kinda do right now. So I'm kewl with it. Thinking - ya this might not be a bad idea at all.
THEN. I pop onto msnMyUsual to check to see if some friends are online..they're not (but he is) so I move onto msnFindAGuy where I talked to him the night before and BOOM - he's no where to be seen. I'm like ok......what's happening here? So just out of curiousity (people can sign out at any time) I go back.and there he is again online.
So now - the question I beg you is this? What happenned in the last 24 hours or in the time that we were chatting that changed my status? And knowing that it has changed - what do I do? I can not think there is some kind of fluke in the system - all signs point to a purpose block out. Its possible that he didn't want to talk right now so he blocked me the way "invis" used to do on ICQ (god i loved the privacy features on that program) but this is driving me up the wall. It keeps happenning.
Like why do people feel like they have to avoid someone out of their life ? Am I a nuisance or something? I just don't get it. I would REALLY REALLY APPRECIATE IF PEOPLE WOULD JUST BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER. I dont mean to get mad at the audience reading this. It's just that this stuff just ends up peeving me. Part of me is glad to "know" but maybe I shouldn't know and shouldn't care and just keep going as if nothing is different. Honestly this kinda thing just keeps happenning adn I feel like somehow its my fault. I realize that sometimes I wouldn't want to talk to someone very often and I'll keep some distance and it might be easier to just have the person know you're not there then say "i can't talk right now" cuz it's less rude or something. I don't know. I liked my invisibility features on ICQ. Eventually my list was the 10 people I talked to on see me invis and I hardly ever went onto normal mode. MSN is a completely different ball game. You really do feel upset when someone blocks you.
I guess in this set up world - you can't expect to be freinds with these people so when the guy (he always gets to decide anyways) determines you're not the girl of his dreams, off the list you go. No goodbyes, no nice talking to yous, no good luck in your future endavours, no hope you find that perfect guy. They just disappear off the face of the earth.
Well, theres only one weekend before this randomguy#2 is in town. I wonder whether we'll actually meet. It's really too bad - this was the first one that had no drama attached and now its full of drama that perhaps I caught myself into.
So you can see my frustration...AHHHHHHHH it is!
I have a couple of email addresses used for a bunch of different things. We all do in this day and age....I mean - come on they are free and act as live storage (accessible pretty much anywhere). And theres all those different wants to chat and keep in touch with people. So I have two msn email addresses. One that I was 'trying' to use for all the potential boys that come around. The only problem is....when I first started this...I thought I'd do that for privacy sake.....then I realized it was too complicated because I didn't want to keep switching between two users all the time. So at that time, I added the couple of boys to my regular msn. Let me just say it's a very smart but very stupid thing to do. And this is why. Boys are dumb or forgetful or a combination of this.
Random boy #1 could not keep track of me as it was.and finally decided to block me - but only from one email address. So does that mean he's screened one persona of me out but not the other? It's something I totally don't understand. A friend told me that maybe it was just the case of - why do I have this person twice? delete from one.
I didn't buy it at the time - but as I have said I'm paranoid and over analyze everything. So since then I've been vary of contacting him first - but I also go online to the email that isn't blocked more often knowing that he'll be "on".
So lets fast forward. I know I'm going to get myself in trouble for this because my story will ring too true for some and maybe even the anonymous people I'm talking about will figure it out. Please if you are reading this and recognize yourself - be confident that none of my friends know any of these storie and that the people and myself will always remain confidential! Appreciate the writing I do because we can all learn from it.
Fast forward to Random Guy #2
Random guy #2 lets me know on msnFindAGuy that he'll be around and that we should meet up in a coule of weeks. We also discuss some beliefs that apparently we didnt' see eye to eye on before - but kinda do right now. So I'm kewl with it. Thinking - ya this might not be a bad idea at all.
THEN. I pop onto msnMyUsual to check to see if some friends are online..they're not (but he is) so I move onto msnFindAGuy where I talked to him the night before and BOOM - he's no where to be seen. I'm like ok......what's happening here? So just out of curiousity (people can sign out at any time) I go back.and there he is again online.
So now - the question I beg you is this? What happenned in the last 24 hours or in the time that we were chatting that changed my status? And knowing that it has changed - what do I do? I can not think there is some kind of fluke in the system - all signs point to a purpose block out. Its possible that he didn't want to talk right now so he blocked me the way "invis" used to do on ICQ (god i loved the privacy features on that program) but this is driving me up the wall. It keeps happenning.
Like why do people feel like they have to avoid someone out of their life ? Am I a nuisance or something? I just don't get it. I would REALLY REALLY APPRECIATE IF PEOPLE WOULD JUST BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER. I dont mean to get mad at the audience reading this. It's just that this stuff just ends up peeving me. Part of me is glad to "know" but maybe I shouldn't know and shouldn't care and just keep going as if nothing is different. Honestly this kinda thing just keeps happenning adn I feel like somehow its my fault. I realize that sometimes I wouldn't want to talk to someone very often and I'll keep some distance and it might be easier to just have the person know you're not there then say "i can't talk right now" cuz it's less rude or something. I don't know. I liked my invisibility features on ICQ. Eventually my list was the 10 people I talked to on see me invis and I hardly ever went onto normal mode. MSN is a completely different ball game. You really do feel upset when someone blocks you.
I guess in this set up world - you can't expect to be freinds with these people so when the guy (he always gets to decide anyways) determines you're not the girl of his dreams, off the list you go. No goodbyes, no nice talking to yous, no good luck in your future endavours, no hope you find that perfect guy. They just disappear off the face of the earth.
Well, theres only one weekend before this randomguy#2 is in town. I wonder whether we'll actually meet. It's really too bad - this was the first one that had no drama attached and now its full of drama that perhaps I caught myself into.
So you can see my frustration...AHHHHHHHH it is!
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Blood - It's in you to give!
Whoever thought of that slogan was smart - it's catchy and makes you think a little bit about what it's trying to say. Today - I feel very differently about it! Note to readers: this has nothing to do wth being Muslim or finding the one. I just need to vent. So blood - it's not in you to GIVE AWAY! It's INSIDE OF YOU to help you LIVE! I had a doctor's appointment today. She couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong with me so she decided to do every blood work possible. I told her I"m not "good with blood work". I'm not sure she understood what I meant. I meant - I almost always feel sick afterwards, faint and dizzy and on occasion I loose conciousness. Perhaps I did not make that 100% clear. Well she did tell me to ask the Lab to cut my bloodwork in half and do it in two visits. When I reached the Lab, I politely told the girl at the front desk that my doctor advised I only do half the bloodwork today and come back for the rest. She wouldn't hear of it. "What's the point she said? You'll have to come back again another time! It's not that much blood she said" I couldnt' help thinking god, how am I going to come back on a weekday (these places are open 9-4 or 9-5, conveniently I work 8-4 so it'd be impossible to come back without taking more time off of work - to begin with - i thought I was only stepping out of the office for an extra half hour during my normal lunch break). So I persued it further saying that I can't get that much blood taken at once. The doctor said it would be like 8-9 vials. "It will be the same thing next time she said. You can donate about 12 so don't worry about it. Plus we don't know which tests to do know and which to do later. Your doctor should have indicated it on the requistion." I said it doesnt' matter - just split em up. she said " Alright, if you're sure about it". Perhaps I didn't represent my case in the right light. I think she thought I didn't like needles and that by splitting it up I would have less on one day? I'm not ignorant to how bloodwork is taken. They put ONE needle into you and continuously fill vials and remove them and fill the next one. I can't watch the action because it makes me feel limp. I knew very early on that Healthcare was not a field for me. So I"m sitting in teh waiting room - anxious to get out of there and back to work. I was supposed to be in at 1:30ish and it was already 1:25 by this time. So the front desk lady calls me up to the front (everyone else was called to a cubicle in the back). She says " I've adjusted your tests so it's 6 vials. Can you handle that? It'll be much better then coming back again another day". I paused and thought about the hassle of coming back. I wanted all my results ready for my next appointment with the doctor. Canada day was coming up - another delay - plus when would I take time off work again? Plus I vaguely remember taking 6 vials the last time I had bloodwork done (that was about two years back and I can't remember feeling terrible). So I reluctantly said - Yes.
So fastfoward to the "cubicle". I kndly informed the nurse or whatever she was that I don't' take well to blood being taken. I divulged my fainting or feel like fainting secrets to her. She said "Let me know if you feel diszzy or faint or anything like that" I said - does now count when I'm just thinking about having the blood taken? She good naturedly chuckled, told me to look away and started her work. I actually prefer when they talk to you to take your mind off of it. It seems silly but I appreciate the effort. So the 6 vials of flod were taken and I sat in the chair like the little engine that could. I kept repeating to myself "I feel perfectly fine. I will not feel dizzy I will not get weak. I"m fine. In a few minutes I'll be just like new". A few minutes/ seconds (who keeps track of these things anyways) passed and I heard myself telling the nurse thatI feel dizzy now. Thats the last thing I remember - I know she responded but I can't remember what said. I woke up with a start. I heard my name being called and I struggled to open my eyes. There were three people staring at me. The front desk girl, some guy who worked there and I recall seeing walking about while I was waiting and the nurse - whose arm I was tightly grasping.
I've had too many of these incidents to ignore. I KNOW now that I can't have bloodwork marathons done on my system. I know what else triggers incidents like this - dehydration or lack of air circulation, I've fainted while at mosque in a crowded overheated confined space without any personal space. I've felt like fainting when I really needed a tea after breaking a fast but had a thick ice cream cone instead. There was one time when I was exposed to a bad chemcial and wearing the wrong type of protective gear. The time I fell while rollerblading and felt weak and dizzy everytime I tried to get up and once while driving with a severe migraine I could only stay alert by stuffing my mouth with sugar and (even though it was -30degrees C outside, popping my head out of the window while blasting the car heaters to keep me warm.
So there you have it. I have contemplated it and it's always heat & exhuasation and dehydration. Or blood or toxic chemical. I forgot our highschool visit to the local hospital where many of us felt sick from the formaldehyde (except I was the only one that actually needed medical attention).
Anyways. My point is this. Blood is NOT in ME to GIVE. I'd love to be a blood donor. I honestly would. But I can hardly handle some simple bloodwork. I HOPE they FIND SOMETHING. Anything at all to make it all worthwhile.
I ended up staying at the lab and lying down / sitting / sleeping for almost an hour. I did not make it back to work in the afternoon and I had to call work and tell them what happenend. This after telling my boss this morning that "I'm feeling fine" (I hadn't seen him in over a week, nor informed him of my appointment today - next time I definately will!).
Hope this story was a learning for you all. All I can say is - thankfully it's over and I'm starting to feel better. I'm not a 100% but I hope to be by tommorrow morning.
Goodnight!
So fastfoward to the "cubicle". I kndly informed the nurse or whatever she was that I don't' take well to blood being taken. I divulged my fainting or feel like fainting secrets to her. She said "Let me know if you feel diszzy or faint or anything like that" I said - does now count when I'm just thinking about having the blood taken? She good naturedly chuckled, told me to look away and started her work. I actually prefer when they talk to you to take your mind off of it. It seems silly but I appreciate the effort. So the 6 vials of flod were taken and I sat in the chair like the little engine that could. I kept repeating to myself "I feel perfectly fine. I will not feel dizzy I will not get weak. I"m fine. In a few minutes I'll be just like new". A few minutes/ seconds (who keeps track of these things anyways) passed and I heard myself telling the nurse thatI feel dizzy now. Thats the last thing I remember - I know she responded but I can't remember what said. I woke up with a start. I heard my name being called and I struggled to open my eyes. There were three people staring at me. The front desk girl, some guy who worked there and I recall seeing walking about while I was waiting and the nurse - whose arm I was tightly grasping.
I've had too many of these incidents to ignore. I KNOW now that I can't have bloodwork marathons done on my system. I know what else triggers incidents like this - dehydration or lack of air circulation, I've fainted while at mosque in a crowded overheated confined space without any personal space. I've felt like fainting when I really needed a tea after breaking a fast but had a thick ice cream cone instead. There was one time when I was exposed to a bad chemcial and wearing the wrong type of protective gear. The time I fell while rollerblading and felt weak and dizzy everytime I tried to get up and once while driving with a severe migraine I could only stay alert by stuffing my mouth with sugar and (even though it was -30degrees C outside, popping my head out of the window while blasting the car heaters to keep me warm.
So there you have it. I have contemplated it and it's always heat & exhuasation and dehydration. Or blood or toxic chemical. I forgot our highschool visit to the local hospital where many of us felt sick from the formaldehyde (except I was the only one that actually needed medical attention).
Anyways. My point is this. Blood is NOT in ME to GIVE. I'd love to be a blood donor. I honestly would. But I can hardly handle some simple bloodwork. I HOPE they FIND SOMETHING. Anything at all to make it all worthwhile.
I ended up staying at the lab and lying down / sitting / sleeping for almost an hour. I did not make it back to work in the afternoon and I had to call work and tell them what happenend. This after telling my boss this morning that "I'm feeling fine" (I hadn't seen him in over a week, nor informed him of my appointment today - next time I definately will!).
Hope this story was a learning for you all. All I can say is - thankfully it's over and I'm starting to feel better. I'm not a 100% but I hope to be by tommorrow morning.
Goodnight!
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Settling - phase1
Today I am thinking about the settling. No - there isn't someone out there to settle for. And don't worry, I don't think I'm the type to just jump in and go for it - although part of me wishes I was - I keep thinking life would be much easier that way! I'm just thinking about the concept of settling. I think almost anyone knows what I mean by the term, although we don't all see it with the same potency or negativity.
So what's it all about? In my mind I have all these qualities I'm looking for in a spouse. I can't convince myself that I'm picky but I think most would consider me to be that way. Perhaps they just don't understand the need, importance and desire to marry someone who belongs to their religious community. This one aspect limits my potential matches astronomically. You would think it's not such a big deal or limiting factor but I assure you that it is. It's simply that on a given day you meet/bump into or exchange dialogue with a bunch of people. Unless you're actually at mosuqe or a social event comprising of people from your community, 97 times out of 100 they're not going to be Muslim. Out of those 3.... well you get that it could be women, children, elders, married people etc. etc.
Anyways, I'm side tracking... my quest today is not to talk about the lack of marriagible people. It's about the errrm....less appealing attributes to some of the boys I have come into contact with.
I'm not a crazy religious muslim but I aspire to be a better one eveyrday. I don't wear a hijab and I can't actually imagine myself doing so. Ok, I know it's an important aspect....I have friends that do so. Something about wearing one doesn't appeal to me and I truly believe you have to be solid in your belief and conviction to wear it right. I would not like to be someone who wears it one day and takes it off the next. At this point I probably shouldn't tell you that I love wearing tank tops in the summer but I do. It's just comfortable and I feel like myself. Anywhos, I'm getting distracted again.
I don't drink or smoke. I have never tried it and I have absolutely no desire to intoxicate my body with these substances. For me, this resolve has been above and beyond the religious guidelines forbidding it.
So what's it all about? In my mind I have all these qualities I'm looking for in a spouse. I can't convince myself that I'm picky but I think most would consider me to be that way. Perhaps they just don't understand the need, importance and desire to marry someone who belongs to their religious community. This one aspect limits my potential matches astronomically. You would think it's not such a big deal or limiting factor but I assure you that it is. It's simply that on a given day you meet/bump into or exchange dialogue with a bunch of people. Unless you're actually at mosuqe or a social event comprising of people from your community, 97 times out of 100 they're not going to be Muslim. Out of those 3.... well you get that it could be women, children, elders, married people etc. etc.
Anyways, I'm side tracking... my quest today is not to talk about the lack of marriagible people. It's about the errrm....less appealing attributes to some of the boys I have come into contact with.
I'm not a crazy religious muslim but I aspire to be a better one eveyrday. I don't wear a hijab and I can't actually imagine myself doing so. Ok, I know it's an important aspect....I have friends that do so. Something about wearing one doesn't appeal to me and I truly believe you have to be solid in your belief and conviction to wear it right. I would not like to be someone who wears it one day and takes it off the next. At this point I probably shouldn't tell you that I love wearing tank tops in the summer but I do. It's just comfortable and I feel like myself. Anywhos, I'm getting distracted again.
I don't drink or smoke. I have never tried it and I have absolutely no desire to intoxicate my body with these substances. For me, this resolve has been above and beyond the religious guidelines forbidding it.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Dialogue with an Aunty
Todays Goal: Provide background information
Current Thought: It's funny how things change - i'll have to write another blog about how perspectives change at these events
Optimism: It's the weekend! YEAH!
So we have these youth conferences. Really they're just about girls meeting boys and boys meeting girls. They even do speed-dating in the modern version of these (yes we have become modern in the last 5 years!). I remember the first time I went to one of these it was in Toronto over a long weekend. It could have been a lot of fun - I suppose - if you didn't have so many Aunties coming to ask you if you found a boy you liked.
This is how the conversation went (remember to add an Indian accent and read it in your native tongue whatever language you speak!)
Aunty: Hello dear – how are you enjoying yourself at this function?
You: Fine Aunty, you and the other organizers planned this very well.
Aunty: That’s nice dear, so….have you met anyone who you like yet?
Aunty (to herself): I hope she’s found her husband amongst these wonderful boys
You: No Aunty, I have not
Aunty: You know dear daughter, we are here to help you and that everything you tell me is in strict confidence right?
You: Yes Aunty, of course I know that!
You (to yourself): I don’t trust Aunty A or B or any aunties for that matter. Not that I have anything to trust them with.
Aunty: Please daughter, let me know if I can help in anyway. Don’t you think that boy over there is cute? He’s a doctor you know!
You: No aunty…I’m just here to have some fun
You (to yourself): Why do aunties always play the doctor card? He’s not even a doctor, he’s just majoring in Biology and calling himself pre-med!
Aunty: Dear, remember that this is an important event – meeting your partner should be a priority
You: Yes Aunty..I will talk to more people…thanks Aunty
Aunty: Remember daughter; I am here to help you. Here is my cell number you can call me whenever you want.
You: (to yourself) These gatherings are just about the popular hot guy and the pretty bubbly outgoing girl hooking up! And obviously every guy wants to hook up with her too! Then there is the cool kids that form a clique and you end up feeling like a wallflower the wholetime. Thank god I have some friends to hang out with. I’m never going to meet anyone at these functions.
You (smiling to yourself): Thank god I’m not old and desperate!!! I have plenty of time to worry about this later! Ooops I better not let Aunty see me smile, she might think I’ve found someone I like! Ooh there comes the hot dude – I don’t get what everyone sees in him!
Well thats the typical story at these things. I had one more funny and insightful thing to share..a story I had typed up here and lost when my window decided it wasn't responding anymore. I'll have to share it another time! Keep tuned!
Current Thought: It's funny how things change - i'll have to write another blog about how perspectives change at these events
Optimism: It's the weekend! YEAH!
So we have these youth conferences. Really they're just about girls meeting boys and boys meeting girls. They even do speed-dating in the modern version of these (yes we have become modern in the last 5 years!). I remember the first time I went to one of these it was in Toronto over a long weekend. It could have been a lot of fun - I suppose - if you didn't have so many Aunties coming to ask you if you found a boy you liked.
This is how the conversation went (remember to add an Indian accent and read it in your native tongue whatever language you speak!)
Aunty: Hello dear – how are you enjoying yourself at this function?
You: Fine Aunty, you and the other organizers planned this very well.
Aunty: That’s nice dear, so….have you met anyone who you like yet?
Aunty (to herself): I hope she’s found her husband amongst these wonderful boys
You: No Aunty, I have not
Aunty: You know dear daughter, we are here to help you and that everything you tell me is in strict confidence right?
You: Yes Aunty, of course I know that!
You (to yourself): I don’t trust Aunty A or B or any aunties for that matter. Not that I have anything to trust them with.
Aunty: Please daughter, let me know if I can help in anyway. Don’t you think that boy over there is cute? He’s a doctor you know!
You: No aunty…I’m just here to have some fun
You (to yourself): Why do aunties always play the doctor card? He’s not even a doctor, he’s just majoring in Biology and calling himself pre-med!
Aunty: Dear, remember that this is an important event – meeting your partner should be a priority
You: Yes Aunty..I will talk to more people…thanks Aunty
Aunty: Remember daughter; I am here to help you. Here is my cell number you can call me whenever you want.
You: (to yourself) These gatherings are just about the popular hot guy and the pretty bubbly outgoing girl hooking up! And obviously every guy wants to hook up with her too! Then there is the cool kids that form a clique and you end up feeling like a wallflower the wholetime. Thank god I have some friends to hang out with. I’m never going to meet anyone at these functions.
You (smiling to yourself): Thank god I’m not old and desperate!!! I have plenty of time to worry about this later! Ooops I better not let Aunty see me smile, she might think I’ve found someone I like! Ooh there comes the hot dude – I don’t get what everyone sees in him!
Well thats the typical story at these things. I had one more funny and insightful thing to share..a story I had typed up here and lost when my window decided it wasn't responding anymore. I'll have to share it another time! Keep tuned!
Fighting the dark side
Optimism: It wasn't love at first sight!
Current Mood: Jealous
So this guy that I sorta-kinda liked is meeting some other chick today. Our communication since our first meeting has been kind of varied. Part of me knows that he sorta-kinda liked me too. But - in situations like this there is always a BUT in the way of everything! He lives in the US and can't cross the border. So the only way we can meet is if I go there. Which actually isn't really the problem. The problem is communication. Like I got an invitation but I also knew that he was talking to some other girl and thats why I hadn't heard back from him. And then we got in touch again only for more longer periods of non-communication......so in my head I have developed this person to be really great......based on nothing in particular and soley weighted with the good stuff.
So the thought of me making a special trip down there... it just seems pointless...like I'm going to scar myself emotionally one more time when I know he's moved on.... My logical brain is much btter at preventing me from being stupid. But somewhere my heart keeps saying...go for it....all you have to lose is your pride (and mmhmm dignity and self-respect and err don't for a second forget the increased emotional scarring says the logical brain once more).
So why am I still thinking about it? I've analyed this to pieces - every step of the way. I think part of me is intrigued because this is one of the very few people I've ever met that I've liked. At first, I just thought of him as a friend - there was no physical attraction but we hung out one day and as I was returning home and was bymyself I couldn't help thinking about how fun it was and how nice it felt to be around someone I'm comfortable with. So perhaps it was more the idea of someone rather then actually being him. But I guess it's one of those things I'll never know.
I really wish him to be happy and I hope that his quest is more sucessful then mine but a little part of me really hopes that it is misreable (atleast this time). Thats the jealous girl that needs to grow up and be happy for people despite her own feelings of mischance. I hope - I can learn to squash that jealousy out of my system and fast....besides jealousness is a trait of the dark side of the force.
Current Mood: Jealous
So this guy that I sorta-kinda liked is meeting some other chick today. Our communication since our first meeting has been kind of varied. Part of me knows that he sorta-kinda liked me too. But - in situations like this there is always a BUT in the way of everything! He lives in the US and can't cross the border. So the only way we can meet is if I go there. Which actually isn't really the problem. The problem is communication. Like I got an invitation but I also knew that he was talking to some other girl and thats why I hadn't heard back from him. And then we got in touch again only for more longer periods of non-communication......so in my head I have developed this person to be really great......based on nothing in particular and soley weighted with the good stuff.
So the thought of me making a special trip down there... it just seems pointless...like I'm going to scar myself emotionally one more time when I know he's moved on.... My logical brain is much btter at preventing me from being stupid. But somewhere my heart keeps saying...go for it....all you have to lose is your pride (and mmhmm dignity and self-respect and err don't for a second forget the increased emotional scarring says the logical brain once more).
So why am I still thinking about it? I've analyed this to pieces - every step of the way. I think part of me is intrigued because this is one of the very few people I've ever met that I've liked. At first, I just thought of him as a friend - there was no physical attraction but we hung out one day and as I was returning home and was bymyself I couldn't help thinking about how fun it was and how nice it felt to be around someone I'm comfortable with. So perhaps it was more the idea of someone rather then actually being him. But I guess it's one of those things I'll never know.
I really wish him to be happy and I hope that his quest is more sucessful then mine but a little part of me really hopes that it is misreable (atleast this time). Thats the jealous girl that needs to grow up and be happy for people despite her own feelings of mischance. I hope - I can learn to squash that jealousy out of my system and fast....besides jealousness is a trait of the dark side of the force.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Misake #1
Optimism: Flowers are blooming!
Current Mood: Emotional
Hello fellow muslims, girls or anyone else curious enough to read my blog today.
I come from a relatively small community. We try to marry from within. I guess I'm trying to stick to that expectation for several reasons. Most of which I find extremely difficult to explain mostly because it just seems obvious. Let me try anyways. It'll be easier. For the kids. Well atleast that is the idea. Most kids don't want to have anything to do with religion by the time they become teenagers. Maybe we do it for the parents. That makes more sense to me. We do it for ourselves to make our lives easier and in doing so we make our lives more difficult.
I know people who have married "out" who are perfectly happy and I know people who have married "in" who are perfectly miserable. I also know of just the opposite. So where does that leave me in this great debate? I'm going to try to make my future life easier by struggling now. Am I really struggling? Well chances are I'm not meeting any Mr. Perfects (muslim or not, the "right type" of muslim or not) so I don't have to worry about the details!
That brings me to state this: A couple months back, I didn't care too much about this marriage/relationship stuff. Sure, I wanted to get married sometime in the future. I knew I was expired already at the big 2-5. It just wasn't a big deal. People all around me where getting engaged and I was happy for them. But it didn't have to be me. I was happy as can be. Enjoying my single self - every so often thinking it would be nice to meet someone but it wasn't a focal point nor a sore point at that.
I'm not sure what triggered the change of heart. Perhaps it was the fact that I wasn't working crazy overtime at my job - so I suddenly had a lot more free time on my hands. Or maybe it was the spring weather that brought all the happy couples outdoors and into my line of vision. Or the wedding invitations that my parents started getting in the mail every couple of days.
Unfortunately, or as my mother would see it as fortunately, something in my little head said "you better start looking". As I see it - That was mistake #1. It has opened up a can of worms I'm not sure I'm ready for or prepared to deal with at the moment.
Current Mood: Emotional
Hello fellow muslims, girls or anyone else curious enough to read my blog today.
I come from a relatively small community. We try to marry from within. I guess I'm trying to stick to that expectation for several reasons. Most of which I find extremely difficult to explain mostly because it just seems obvious. Let me try anyways. It'll be easier. For the kids. Well atleast that is the idea. Most kids don't want to have anything to do with religion by the time they become teenagers. Maybe we do it for the parents. That makes more sense to me. We do it for ourselves to make our lives easier and in doing so we make our lives more difficult.
I know people who have married "out" who are perfectly happy and I know people who have married "in" who are perfectly miserable. I also know of just the opposite. So where does that leave me in this great debate? I'm going to try to make my future life easier by struggling now. Am I really struggling? Well chances are I'm not meeting any Mr. Perfects (muslim or not, the "right type" of muslim or not) so I don't have to worry about the details!
That brings me to state this: A couple months back, I didn't care too much about this marriage/relationship stuff. Sure, I wanted to get married sometime in the future. I knew I was expired already at the big 2-5. It just wasn't a big deal. People all around me where getting engaged and I was happy for them. But it didn't have to be me. I was happy as can be. Enjoying my single self - every so often thinking it would be nice to meet someone but it wasn't a focal point nor a sore point at that.
I'm not sure what triggered the change of heart. Perhaps it was the fact that I wasn't working crazy overtime at my job - so I suddenly had a lot more free time on my hands. Or maybe it was the spring weather that brought all the happy couples outdoors and into my line of vision. Or the wedding invitations that my parents started getting in the mail every couple of days.
Unfortunately, or as my mother would see it as fortunately, something in my little head said "you better start looking". As I see it - That was mistake #1. It has opened up a can of worms I'm not sure I'm ready for or prepared to deal with at the moment.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Meet "ME"
Canadian Born Muslim Girl (hereon in referred to as "CBMG")
Optimism: Perhaps I'll be happier tommorrow?
Current Mood: Heartache
Other important facts: I'm not a terrorist!
Meet "ME"
I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I'm well balanced. I went away to universtity. I've lived on my own (or atleast with an assortment of others). I work. I'm active. I love to do stuff. I want to travel more! I like my family (well sort-of), don't worry I will share more on that too! I like to be anonymous. It's just easier to share my true feelings that way. I guess I should get started. I had all these great headlines for my first post but in the midst of signing up for this blogspot and creating an email address for it ... I kind of got distracted. I just read this paragraph overagain. I promise to stop using "I" so much in the future!
Optimism: Perhaps I'll be happier tommorrow?
Current Mood: Heartache
Other important facts: I'm not a terrorist!
Meet "ME"
I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I'm well balanced. I went away to universtity. I've lived on my own (or atleast with an assortment of others). I work. I'm active. I love to do stuff. I want to travel more! I like my family (well sort-of), don't worry I will share more on that too! I like to be anonymous. It's just easier to share my true feelings that way. I guess I should get started. I had all these great headlines for my first post but in the midst of signing up for this blogspot and creating an email address for it ... I kind of got distracted. I just read this paragraph overagain. I promise to stop using "I" so much in the future!
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