how long, how long must I sing this song?

Current Mood: Unsure.
Summary of thoughts: Proceed with caution? don't proceed at all??
Random Advice:
(A) Play hard to get
(B) Keep yourself in the game by constant communication
(C) Be optimistic.

Lets get to the story now.
I got an email today. Yes. it's been awhile. Did I tell you how long it's been? Since departure, it has been exactly 3 weeks. Since the "expected arrival date" it's been 11 days. I honestly, dind't expect anything till a week ago friday (earliest wednesday). So the delay was a week longer then I had hoped. But what I got today was not something that brought my spirits up in the least bit. If anything it made me second guess what I liked so much about him in the first place. A friend of mine tells me (actually a couple of friends tell me that) I'm TOO NEGATIVE. In reality, I don't think that's actually true. Anywho's reading his response (not to the last two emails I had sent, but to one that he'd replied to in short) I got the feeling that, HE is the one who's negative. The more I think about it, I've decided that I just like negative people cuz they're like myself. My good friends are not the cheery type. I have a couple who are just that, but I only am around them in small doses and they don't really influence my life more then me being very happy to see them.

I'm digressing. The point is that his email didn't give me anything to go by. It was utterly generic. Ofcourse, it summarized the typical Muslim speed dating scene that occurs in our community - his first experience with it. I wasn't really surprised that he went (by choice or by force, who will ever really know?). If there was such a function here, I'd be there too (probably a combination of having too and keeping an open mind that it wouldn't be as bad as last time (locally atleast)).

Other then that, numerous complains were written, a health claim attesting to the "reason"? as to why I hadn't heard back, but nothing more then that. Not even a question or two for me to respond too. Utterly generic, no reference to ME specifically other then my email address. If he hadn't replied within a previous message, I would have suspected that it was a mass email synopsis of his trip to all his contacts. So thats it.

Now, the question is what do I do? My gut feel is to leave it alone for awhile. See if he comes back with more to say at a later time (sometime next week). I would like to talk/ catch up and see if I can get into the swing of things again - feel something - feel anything but I'm not sure it's the brightest idea for two reasons. Reason #1 - I may still be too angry to actually give him a fair shot. Being pissed off (once again) isn't truly putting an honest effort into the situation. Reason #2 - I don't want to give up more of my heart to this. The disappearing act has already happenned twice. Twice!!! I feel like with those two and the whole awkward convo/email that we've hit our three strikes. You're out at three strikes right?? Or are their Nine Innings? I haven't quite figured that part out yet. But the point is that if I let myself fall again.. getting back up will be MUCH much harder then before.

Ok, I'm too tired to write anymore and you're probably sick of listening to me blab. And to think, that I haven't even been thinking about this THAT much this week! I really have managed to keep my brain to a low level of obsessive compulsiveness.

Goodnight folks. Appreciate any comments.

CdnMuslim girl - proud of our Canadian female athletes, they rocked this Olympics!

Imagine - your enemy

Current Mood: wishing i kept my hopes in check (as all advised me was the WRONG thing to do)

So everyone keeps telling me that if I'm closed up emotionally and put up boundaries and all this stuff - I will never be able to get into a deeper, more meaningful level with anybody. So they tell me, I have to be vulnuerable. But then when I show that I care - let my feelings out - I seem to always get hit on the hammer with it. Like I'm doing something wrong, or how dare I? Such a fine line between letting guards down and creating unnecessary tensions in your head. Developping a relationship in your head doens't actually take much work. The imagination runs wild if you let it. Its your biggest enemy at times like these.

fear

Current Mood: scared s-h-i-t-l-e-s-s (no it does not spell what u think it spells!)

I just read my last post and I gotta say - that my resolves didn't last as long as they should have. As I've self diagnosed myself, I might as well share with you my pychosis. I'm paranoid. Perhaps you could tell that I was a little peeved at being jilted from a email correspondence just prior to the X-mas break. At New Years, I had gotten past that and was happy to have myself to me - no more sacrifices to my own daily life (staying up and thinking about a boy or boys or some lady who knows boys) . Well, it didn't last. The boy reappeared. I can't say that I wasn't glad that he did. We actually had two conversations that went quite well after that... until he brought up a subject that made things very weird and awkward. Suddenly what seemed to be going really well - seemed like it was about to hit the trash. I'm not going to share the nitty gritty's - I know I should - thats probably what a blog is all about - but lets just say that our next conversation was pretty sour. Probably more my fault then his - but I was angry (understandably) and despite trying not to show it - I did. Since then, we've exchanged an email each and then he left for a trip to see his parents. I knew he was going to go and I knew he probably wouldn't contact me while he was gone but a small part of me wished that he would...a "hello" email just to show he was thinking about me... or that (god forbid) he missed me? I know it's TOO early for that - but I find myself sitting here feeling that exact way. I'm not sure what it is - I haven't even MET the dude...
So my waiting continues...his return date purposely kept vague so he wouldn't HAVE to write to me immediately after coming back.. I suspect that he'll be back in touch on Wednesday, but if not, maybe not til Friday. I find the waiting incredibly hard. So many thoughts going through my head - what if he's changed his mind and doesn't want to keep in touch and meet me after all? Thats the main one for now atleast.. the others will come in due time (atleast on the blog...if it gets that far). Part of me is paranoid that he'll have found some girl back home.. someone his parents have already picked and primed up to be their new daughter - how can you compete with that??

Well.. yes, I'm paranoid.. but I told you that to start with. Yes - there are more reasons then these to be scared - but these are mine and I can't help but feel them.

Wish me luck..a good part of me really wishes this is going to work out - so do some dua's for me and i'll keep ya posted.