Mood: Contemplation

I went on a blind-date today. It was kinda exciting, especially since it's been months since my last one. I guess I just wasn't really expecting what or rather who I met. Not that there was anything wrong with him. That wasn't it, it was just well - as much as he was a part and parcel of my culture and religion - he wasn't. At least not exactly. Not the type of person you'd expect garbed in our religious clothes . The date went ok, I even learned that maybe I was judging too much based on some of the things he said. Maybe deep down he is the religious type. Or maybe a question I have to ask my self is - do I want the religious type? The conversation flowed alright. There were a few awkward moments where we didn't know what to say to each other. There was obviously some nervousness but at the same time I think we both managed to make each other laugh. So I don't know. I think I will leave this to whatever may come of it.

He has my msn name and I well, know of his. If he adds me, then I'll talk to him and see where it goes. If it goes somewhere, then I can find out more details, maybe questions I ask that are too personal or too judgemental at the get-go.

Well, thats it from me. It's nice to meet someone who actually lives in this City!!

It's only 9pm but I'm dead tired. (soo soo very sad).
Goodnight folks.

cbmg signing off.

Energy

Mood: Need to find some energy, need to energize myself and everyone around me.

The search is on for something that has been eluded millions of people before: HAPPINESS. Why do some people lead seemingly fulfilled lives while others can not seem to find happiness in anything: not what they do, not what they have, not what they wish to purchase, not what they see or aspire to do, not what they taste, not what they know, happiness is a word and just simply that as they are unable to achieve it. Could it be that the value placed on this word has made it unachievable? Could it be that we don't know what we are really searching for? Could it be that we are so spoiled with material gains and life is so simple for us (despite it's complications of long commutes and small cubicles and working hours that seem to never end?) that we do not have the energy or enthusiasm to appreciate any of it?

I call all and any who have found the keys, the secrets to please share em with me as I continue my search. I hope I can share this knowledge with all who need it!

Next point for today, energy. We are so young, yet so many of us are struggling so hard to have anytime for leisure, we do not enjoy our time with free moments. We don't see our friends often enough, and we sleep any moment we can. If we're not sleeping, we are wishing we were. It's so incredibly sad to see my twenty-something friends (including myself) be so tired that they would have to be home by 10 on a weekend. My 50-something aunts and uncles have more of a social life then we do. They go out and enjoy always laughing with each other and often staying out till wee hours of the night (yes 3-4am) . So why are we so young and yet so old? Why do we lack any energy or drive and why do we not seem to enjoy ourselves as much? The weekends go and then Mondays feel like a new week has started without any breaks. We meed to cultivate and motivate oursleves to spend more time really doing what young people do. I mean, just because I don't belong in the bar-hopping, clubbing all the rage weekend and weekday crowd doesn't mean that I don't want to have an awesome weekend doing something fun. Anyways, I don't know what or how to motivate and cultivate, but I hope I can and soon before it's too late!

Goodnight folks, yes it's a 12:30am on a saturday night and i'm home in front of a computer. So sad. hopefully next weekend, i'll be out on the town rather then sharing my old age with all of you!

Standing Up

This story isn't really mine. But it's close to my heart and it's true so I'll share it anyways.

My mood right now: frustrated, peeved and ready to throw a punch (ok maybe just a verbal one, but still)

In this story girl meets boy and things are going great.. well things are going. Anywhos, the point is that they agreed to get married. She'll be moving (to a third world country from Canada) and he'll get to stay put and keep running his business and go on with his life in the same manner as before the union. She'll be loosing family, friends and countless career opportunities. But theres benefit of having a husband, someone to share life with and love and have children with.. all goals that I'd like to achieve (though I hope to not have to sacrifice my country of residence and my family and friendships).

Anywhos, they're currently (ok over the last month) trying to negotiate their wedding dates. His family is impossible to deal with. They seem to want to (and suceed very well at) calling all the shots. They leave no room for discussion , ignoring what her side says unless and only if it's in their favour to remember bits and pieces.

I worry for her because I think they're going to walk all over her. She's not the type to fight back and I keep saying "Stand up for yourself girl". I'm worried that if she gives in at this point, well forget the rest of her married life, it's always going to be the same. I guess I think it's important to set boundaries. To let the other person know they can't walk over you. Its' strange, like a person can tell a pushover and will always take advantage of that but will not dare with someone who will fight back. Why can't people just be good and honest enough not to do that in the first place?

Anywhos, my point girls is, stand up for yourself. No matter who the guy is and what he's like - I think theres a risk that you'll be pushed into something or some decision and I think thats not right. Even the nicest of guys can pull this scheme on you when you least expect it.

Well all for me, too tired to finish this.

cbmg

Heart and Head so different

Mood: Daydreamingly unproductive.

You know when your heart is stuck miles behind your current stage in life and the more you ask it to catch up with the rest of you - the more it refuses. Thats exactly how I feel at this moment in particular.

Part of me did something to spark something again to challenge a reply, to challenge a thought - and it worked so eloquently well that it disappoints me further. It's like I put myself out there asking to be hurt. Asking for awknowledgement when in reality my brain knows it's unnecessary. So why do I do it?

A question to all you readers (and I'm guessing I have none, I'm going to have to figure out how to get my blog noticed actually. I think it'd be much interesting to have some anonymous readers, still not ready for people who actually know me to be reading all these deeply personal thoughts). Ok, back to the question: Are men really that superficial? Is looks and weight and body type at the forefront of their "mind" when it comes to who they find attractive? Should I hold it against them when that criteria plays so largely into their scheme of things that I am rejected on such a point? And should I be happy I'm rid of that situation or will it occur with every man out there? Will I constantly have to think about my figure and will I be less loved if it doesn't fit some unknown ideal?

I know women have the same reluctance to accept a man whos' shorter then they like, or one with a belly or baldness or whatever it might be. But I believe at some level women get over these things and realize it's the person with all there qualities that makes the man, not just physical appearance. I know I have my own reservations, even with this particular boy in question - but something tells me that the comfort level is far more important then the physical aspect. It has to meet a level of acceptability but does not need to reach the ideals by any comparison. I dunno. Maybe I'm just as superficial and haven't been faced with having to make that call.

All I know is - there was something I genuinely felt right about this situation, one that was taken away so swiftly that I haven't stopped looking back to see if theres any hope of return.

If only my heart could let it go - and let my mind take over and lead me to new fresh ideas. I still think I need to meet this person, somewhere, somehow to get it out of my system. I'd like it to crash and burn and to rid me of this constant upheaval. What if's plague me, sending constant messages from heart to head.

I feel like I can't genuinely give thought to new potentials, my comparative brain reaching back to a combination of three. Only one was real. I miss that one the most but the other two had elements of what I really am looking for. I have to start fresh, I have to somehow cleanse my heart of these obstacles that plague me during the long summer days and the cold winter nights.

Well, I don't want to leave this post on a down note, I guess I can say, I'm trying some new things and we'll see how that goes.

take care, hope to hear some comments soon!

Chance

Mood: Peeved

Today I was walking through my local mall - by local I mean the very same mall that I often visited when I should have been in school, the one where we went to on weekends to 'hang' , the same one we bought all our clothes and birthday presents from. To be honest, I still live right next to it, so it's not uncommon for me to find myself trasping through it - usually looking pretty bummy, not caring how I look. I know thats a bad attitude, especially somewhere I'm bound to run into people I know. The interesting thing is - I usually only run into people from Mosque - it's never people I went to high school with. That just happenned to be the case today. The very same day that I didn't look once in the mirror before stepping outside. I put on some shoes and headed out the door. What a look I had going too - blue jeans that were in desperate need of a wash, a red fitted top that didn't quite reach my pants and a bright green and yellow polka dotted purse. What a great look to happen upon two guys from highschool. Well, the one in particular a person whom I'm not sure if I did or did not have a crush on! I would have much preferred to look my finest or just even average - but he caught a hold of me when I looked like shit - entering a toy store! Great. But I guess thats what chance is all about. Next time, I think I'll dress up - even or especially when going shopping at the local mall!

Goodnight folks.

Starting over..

Current Mood: Contemplating Open Heart Wounds

If you recall from previous posts, this past year (rolling year I suppose, one that started in March and ended in February) has had two - I wouldn't say life altering - but life tasting moments.

The first of which happenned in late March when I met someone through the youth gatherings I've attended in the states. Lets just say he's engaged now. Lets add that it's someone I know and that they're probably going to live in Canada now. Just great. Their wedding is approaching too. He was the type of person who after spending some time with (definitely not an immediate reaction) I realized that I liked - that I could be comfortable with and felt natural - like myself around him - well part of the time anyways. There was something in the air that night - whether it was chemistry or lack of sleep I guess I'll never know.

Second one was someone whom I've never met. Why was it so life tasting? I dunno. I've having trouble explaining that to anyone privy of the situation. I actually shared this experience with some people. I dunno. I felt really good about it but I also felt really crummy about it in many ways. He was someone with I could just express a lot of thoughts. It's usually not that easy for me - to write full page emails to one person day after day and not run out of things to say. The same goes for the two conversations we had. Incredible. I had fun. I wasn't bored - sure there were brief moments but they just came back. I laughed. I enjoyed it. We shared common interests: swimming was a big one - someone who enjoys it like I do - maybe even more so! Sense of humour, taste in movies. I remember one part of a conversation we had, about language when I was still refusing to say anything in Gujrati. I was concerned that it would be a problem and I was saying how I want to learn so 'blah blah' and he interrupts me and with a confident tone says "It's not a problem" (or was it "It won't be a problem") anyways, it was like he was so sure of himself and of how he wouldn't let that effect his parents view of me. I dunno. I just felt really good. Like I was in strong arms. I really liked that feeling. God..I really felt good. Special. Loved even. Well. The long story short, he's out of the picture. I'm not entirely sure why. I'm not sure if I'll ever hear what became of him, or whether he'll decide to come here and marry another person I know! He walked away for reasons I will never understand. All I know is that it may have had to do with a photo I sent of myself in non-flattering clothing and the fact that we were the same age (which only became an issue late in the game). Something about not wanting children till 33 or at all. I know I am better off without. I know that somewhere deep in my soul. But it trickles out every so often. My feelings. I know I need to avoid the rollercoasters, they can't be good for you long term. And that was full of them. I think I will always wonder about this situation, healthy or not because it is so intriguing. My feelings went so far - yet I had never met the person. Never been there or done that before. There were other things too that I liked: the accent (huge plus), religious values were on par, family seemed pretty in, no drinking, no smoking, no drugs, seemed to have high ambitions in life. All great things.

I dunno. I have met people with similar attributes and thought nothing of them. There was a comfort level here, with both these individuals that was different. Set them apart. Something Unique. I can't put my finger on. Thats what I'm going for here. I need to find that. When and where I don't know if I ever will -- to match those features and still pass the stronger tests that I have for them. I hope so anyways.

Well the main thing I hope for this year is that I can start over. Start fresh. Not let any of my setbacks from the past haunt me. I hope I can. I hope I can let my heart feel without blocking it off once more. I know now more then ever (after opening it up twice in one short year) that it's hard to let em in and even harder to let em go.

Long enough for a serious post. Hope you'll have some comments. Starting to think no one reads this blog.

Bias?

I'm not sure how long my pause actually lasted or if it began at all. Ohh the long weekend was so nice! And this weekend isn't too packed so it'll be good as well.

You're probably wondering why I haven't spend so much time lamenting the details of my search. I guess - sometimes I think I shouldnt' think so much about it. That when it comes, it'll come and theres nothing I can really do to push and proddle it along. But then - I'm aleady thought about thinking, and also, I know I'm in this scenario trying to meet people on my own too.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a slut. I've gotten to know so many people - albeit for as short a time period as a single 3 liner email. The point is that people do talk. I wonder what they say about me. If they know. Atleast the older generation? Do they know? Are the boys talking amongst themselves? I bet you even in todays modern and high tech world (and the world of online dating) there is a double standard between men and women. So I wonder...should I accept the invitation to talk to multiple guys? Should I take one at a time while I sort through them? What if two are equally as good in terms of their profile? What do I do then?
So many questions! If only I knew the right answers!

Well thats it for this post. Stay tuned.

A pause in the chaos of life

Mood: Can I relax? For Real, or just for a few minutes before it all starts again?

Actually it is just a few minutes, b/c I should really put my clothes in the Laundry before Sunset and then get off to do the things I need to do..

Hectic times for me, I changed jobs over a weekend and now I'm commuting back and forth between the new place and home - I gotta move to my own little place - which will be nice - a little break from being home with the parents! Anywhos...

My last little adventure - poor circumstances caused so much to happen between the ideal moment to meet and the actual one. It was an okay date, you know nothing that makes your heart pound with excitement, you could say it was average - possibly even boring but you know that circumstances may have impacted a great deal on that aspect of it.

The guy is great - or atleast he seems like he is. Considerate, sweet, educated, good looks, dresses well, calls when he says he will - but theres something missing, some spark some excitement - will it come? Is there hope? How do you assess such situations?

Well, perhaps we'll meet again in better circumstances - we'll see what happens then!

'Click'

Current Mood: Bored. .
Summary of thoughts: How can it go well, but not well?

I went on a date last night. To be honest, I had already written off this guy (god i hope he doesn't read this, then again, he already knew that - I was kind enough to tell him that a couple months ago, but telling the whole world.. now thats a completely different thing entirely). Ok back to the point... I wasn't that enthusiastic about this particular meeting. I was going along with it for four main reasons (in order of importance): 1) His friend who set up us is kinda-sorta my friend too. 2) I thought the distraction might help me 3) I realize that I should give him a chance - especially since his attitude was so positive 4) A night out on the town couldn't hurt and the practice was always good.

So we met up. We had some dessert /coffee / tea. We talked. Mostly serious religion stuff / relationship stuff. I realize I can't talk about that stuff openly and honestly. The words just don't come out of my mouth. I had no energy. I felt like I was going to fall asleep on the poor guy. Then I had that immense feeling of guilt. The guilt poored into me, mainly because I felt like I was being a bad host. His first visit to my city. When he asked if I wanted to hang out and do something beyond the coffee, I agreed. We settled on a drive... I figured one might as well 'see' the CN Tower if they're in Toronto for the first time. The hour drive turned into a couple of hours. It was actually quite fun. I felt a lot more relaxed and as we drove I realized how much there actually was to show a person about Toronto! We must have drove west on bloor, college and queen st about 6 times each before we figured out how to get where we wanted to go. Somehow, I dont' remember all those one ways and 'no right turn' signs everywhere. Well anyways, we had Sharmwa before we took a final look at the skyline via gardiner expressway (going the wrong way though, the eastbound view isn't as good as the westbound) and headed back to where I had parked my car.

I got home about 4 hrs later then I thought I would. He had to call his 'uncle' about 3 times to change the time when to expect him. But sitting here. I know theres still something missing. I need to Click. I need that feeling of "YES". I need that 'i want to jump you but thats completely out of character so i won't feeling'. I can't deny that's really want I'm looking for. It's a split between beliefs, personality, comfort and tingles. Tingles is a word they use for chemistry, physical attraction and more? I don't remember the name of the movie I got it from, but I'm sticking to it. That's my story.

Current Mood: bummed out.

So on Monday I emailed. I asked the ultimate question "Do you want to meet or not?" Well, I used slightly less ultimatum-ish words. I kept it casual. He hasn't "thought" about it. Apparently theres more to it then I know but he hasn't followed through with whatever that could be (even though he said he would). So I'm at a lost. I have no cause for being pissed off. I can just be bummed out, but I realize that's not a very positive thing to be either..so I'm just going to move on. Move ahead. Look forward. Don't Look Back in Anger

how long, how long must I sing this song?

Current Mood: Unsure.
Summary of thoughts: Proceed with caution? don't proceed at all??
Random Advice:
(A) Play hard to get
(B) Keep yourself in the game by constant communication
(C) Be optimistic.

Lets get to the story now.
I got an email today. Yes. it's been awhile. Did I tell you how long it's been? Since departure, it has been exactly 3 weeks. Since the "expected arrival date" it's been 11 days. I honestly, dind't expect anything till a week ago friday (earliest wednesday). So the delay was a week longer then I had hoped. But what I got today was not something that brought my spirits up in the least bit. If anything it made me second guess what I liked so much about him in the first place. A friend of mine tells me (actually a couple of friends tell me that) I'm TOO NEGATIVE. In reality, I don't think that's actually true. Anywho's reading his response (not to the last two emails I had sent, but to one that he'd replied to in short) I got the feeling that, HE is the one who's negative. The more I think about it, I've decided that I just like negative people cuz they're like myself. My good friends are not the cheery type. I have a couple who are just that, but I only am around them in small doses and they don't really influence my life more then me being very happy to see them.

I'm digressing. The point is that his email didn't give me anything to go by. It was utterly generic. Ofcourse, it summarized the typical Muslim speed dating scene that occurs in our community - his first experience with it. I wasn't really surprised that he went (by choice or by force, who will ever really know?). If there was such a function here, I'd be there too (probably a combination of having too and keeping an open mind that it wouldn't be as bad as last time (locally atleast)).

Other then that, numerous complains were written, a health claim attesting to the "reason"? as to why I hadn't heard back, but nothing more then that. Not even a question or two for me to respond too. Utterly generic, no reference to ME specifically other then my email address. If he hadn't replied within a previous message, I would have suspected that it was a mass email synopsis of his trip to all his contacts. So thats it.

Now, the question is what do I do? My gut feel is to leave it alone for awhile. See if he comes back with more to say at a later time (sometime next week). I would like to talk/ catch up and see if I can get into the swing of things again - feel something - feel anything but I'm not sure it's the brightest idea for two reasons. Reason #1 - I may still be too angry to actually give him a fair shot. Being pissed off (once again) isn't truly putting an honest effort into the situation. Reason #2 - I don't want to give up more of my heart to this. The disappearing act has already happenned twice. Twice!!! I feel like with those two and the whole awkward convo/email that we've hit our three strikes. You're out at three strikes right?? Or are their Nine Innings? I haven't quite figured that part out yet. But the point is that if I let myself fall again.. getting back up will be MUCH much harder then before.

Ok, I'm too tired to write anymore and you're probably sick of listening to me blab. And to think, that I haven't even been thinking about this THAT much this week! I really have managed to keep my brain to a low level of obsessive compulsiveness.

Goodnight folks. Appreciate any comments.

CdnMuslim girl - proud of our Canadian female athletes, they rocked this Olympics!

Imagine - your enemy

Current Mood: wishing i kept my hopes in check (as all advised me was the WRONG thing to do)

So everyone keeps telling me that if I'm closed up emotionally and put up boundaries and all this stuff - I will never be able to get into a deeper, more meaningful level with anybody. So they tell me, I have to be vulnuerable. But then when I show that I care - let my feelings out - I seem to always get hit on the hammer with it. Like I'm doing something wrong, or how dare I? Such a fine line between letting guards down and creating unnecessary tensions in your head. Developping a relationship in your head doens't actually take much work. The imagination runs wild if you let it. Its your biggest enemy at times like these.

fear

Current Mood: scared s-h-i-t-l-e-s-s (no it does not spell what u think it spells!)

I just read my last post and I gotta say - that my resolves didn't last as long as they should have. As I've self diagnosed myself, I might as well share with you my pychosis. I'm paranoid. Perhaps you could tell that I was a little peeved at being jilted from a email correspondence just prior to the X-mas break. At New Years, I had gotten past that and was happy to have myself to me - no more sacrifices to my own daily life (staying up and thinking about a boy or boys or some lady who knows boys) . Well, it didn't last. The boy reappeared. I can't say that I wasn't glad that he did. We actually had two conversations that went quite well after that... until he brought up a subject that made things very weird and awkward. Suddenly what seemed to be going really well - seemed like it was about to hit the trash. I'm not going to share the nitty gritty's - I know I should - thats probably what a blog is all about - but lets just say that our next conversation was pretty sour. Probably more my fault then his - but I was angry (understandably) and despite trying not to show it - I did. Since then, we've exchanged an email each and then he left for a trip to see his parents. I knew he was going to go and I knew he probably wouldn't contact me while he was gone but a small part of me wished that he would...a "hello" email just to show he was thinking about me... or that (god forbid) he missed me? I know it's TOO early for that - but I find myself sitting here feeling that exact way. I'm not sure what it is - I haven't even MET the dude...
So my waiting continues...his return date purposely kept vague so he wouldn't HAVE to write to me immediately after coming back.. I suspect that he'll be back in touch on Wednesday, but if not, maybe not til Friday. I find the waiting incredibly hard. So many thoughts going through my head - what if he's changed his mind and doesn't want to keep in touch and meet me after all? Thats the main one for now atleast.. the others will come in due time (atleast on the blog...if it gets that far). Part of me is paranoid that he'll have found some girl back home.. someone his parents have already picked and primed up to be their new daughter - how can you compete with that??

Well.. yes, I'm paranoid.. but I told you that to start with. Yes - there are more reasons then these to be scared - but these are mine and I can't help but feel them.

Wish me luck..a good part of me really wishes this is going to work out - so do some dua's for me and i'll keep ya posted.

times have changed

Mood: Relief

Ahh, you misread my mood and thought things have figured themselves out already or something like that. No...no, thats not quite it! I have just made the resolution to not think too much about the potential men out there in the world. I've realized that the time I waste with these potentials, I could be doing much better things with my life. Ahh yes, I am still on the search but I've got a new outlook. Come to me. I'll participate in emails, and phone calls and whatever else it takes, would be happy to go on meetings (provided they are taking place in the city I'm in) but, I'm not making any major commitments or going through any more stresses. I've realized something. Men are living in a world of their own. They want something but are not willing to go for it and figure things out in a consise manner. Or, perhaps, they are just faster at making decisions and once they have made those decisions, they move on. In a way it's great that they don't waste anymore of your time, but it sucks when they waste your time and then disappear when you're ready to figure it out! Well no more of that. I'm not going to waste my energies or get too attached to anyone before I know it's serious! Well...atleast not this week :)

thats it for today!